So this inappropriate sleeping thing has GOT to stop. I either sleep too much or not at all. I didn't get to sleep last night until about 5.
And I oversleep my alarm by an HOUR... AGAIN this morning.
And the dreams. Holy Cats the dreams! They are so vivid and strange. I dreamed about Darren (and his lovely wife) last night. I don't know where that came from. In my 20's if I had a dream about Darren he would show up within about 48 hours, but that stopped happening a few years ago. I had a lot of dreams about him when he was in Iraq... but then I was thinking about him in an almost constant way when he was there. The thought of him involved in that clusterfuck made no sense in my head - I couldn't reconcile the boy I loved with the man he was there. It was frustrating to me that just when I needed the "dreaming trick" the most it refused to work.
I saw him briefly very soon after he came back and there was a lot going on (and it's not my story to tell) but I had to fight the urge to sit very very close to him and refuse to move - there was nothing at all I could do for him emotionally and I knew he would eventually be OK, but he wasn't right then and I just wanted to breathe with him until he was able to stop reminding himself to take each breath. For many, many reasons I couldn't do that and it tore me in half.
I don't know where this is coming from either.
Except that I start at the Vet Center on Tuesday and I am anxious about it. Who am I to offer solace or assistance or help to these men and women? Who am I - with my broken, broken heart - to offer strength or comfort or assurance? And if I can be so easily broken by this comparatively mild set of bad things how can I help someone who has seen real trauma?
Can I find the clinical distance that will save me from this?
Will I make it through?
Will I be enough?
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Sleep to Dream
Posted by J. Denae at 9:50 AM
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5 comments:
Those with broken hearts can offer the most authentic solace.
I want to say something else to end this prettily. But, really, I'm just wishing good things for you as you start this new job Tuesday.
You are compassionate and caring and that can help even the most tortured soul.
I always wished I could find a shrink who had been depressed, too. I never trusted people who had NEVER been clinically depressed. I think you will do a BETTER job because of what you have been through. The mere fact that you are worried about doing a good job is a sign that you WILL be good at it.
You are the perfect person for this job. You have the compassion and empathy to help these brave men and women. Don't ever doubt yourself. You are strong enough. I believe in you!
Yes. A resounding yes.
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