AMFYOYO

That was the license tag in front of me for most of my drive in to work this morning. I am deciphering it as "A Mother Fucking Yo-Yo." It may not mean that... but that translation resonated with me and made me laugh so I'm sticking with it.

Remember at the beginning of the year when we all had that horrible flu? And we kept thinking we were "over it" and then we'd all get sick again. And it lasted forever and some of us thought we would never feel better again?
Remember how Sally and I thought we should make "I survived the Flu '08" t-shirts and then we both felt crappy again and thought maybe it was too soon to announce that we had actually survived?

I think I can say that at this point I can safely say that I have, in fact, survived the flu.

This depression is apparently the flu's cousin.

I have been reading back through journal entries and blog posts (looking for themes and patterns because that's what happens when you cross an English major with a social worker) and I keep writing, "I think I'm coming out of this," and then a few days later I'm at the bottom again. I have decided to treat it as though it were the flu and stop thinking that there is a nice predictable curve.

Better is relative... and relative to last week I feel better. For about five days I was barely functional and it started to really worry some of my inner circle friends. It started to worry me too.

I think that a lot of it has to do with these transitions... work and school and practicum and Bean and (duh) Bartleby. A lot of stuff is changing - has been changing, will be changing. And transitions are difficult under the best of circumstances.
I think some of it is that I have been running for the last two years or so on "I just have to get through this" and "this" keeps changing and I don't have a lot of energy left for running anymore.
I think that some of it is normal grief cycling through.
I think some of it is just that I haven't' had a breakdown in a long time and maybe I was due for one.

At one point a very fabulous and also very worried Michelle was talking to me with that really calm voice we save for scared animals and crazy people and she wanted to know what needed to happen for me to feel better.
I said, "I just need to put my big-girl panties on and stop acting like Jeff."

So my big-girl panties are on and I am out of bed and I am functional.
Today.
But like the weeks and weeks of flu relapse I am paying attention to what my body is telling me it needs so that I don't overdo it and end up sick again.

And, yes. I am a motherfucking yo-yo... but the fact that it is still making me laugh is a good sign for today.