I Don't Want...

For the LOVE of ham sandwiches!
I've been cruising a dating site. (No judging. Its getting cold outside, Kids, and weekend nights are chilly). But SERIOUSLY!!! What is with some of these guys??
I got messaged by a 19-year-old. I mean, besides the fact that I am almost old enough to have given birth to him, I am not interested in any interaction with a child whose profile picture involves a white boy throwing gang signs.
It is fucking scary out there, people. I know I'm no great beauty, but I do have enough self-respect to have standards that preclude MOST of the men on the site.

So here's a partial list of who I do NOT want, based on things I honestly actually saw tonight.

NO MEN WHO
1. look like Malfoy's creepy dad (he's out there, ladies)
2. are mostly naked in their profile pictures
3. are drinking and/or high in their pic
4. mention God, Christ, or My Lord and Savior as "can't live without"
5. mention their mental disorder
6. went to high school with me
7. look like my ex-husband
8. look like my ex-boyfriend
9. look like they could be my SON
10. took their profile pic in the gym
11. took their profile pic in the bathroom
12. took their profile pic wearing gold chains
13. talk about "their writing"
14. talk about their RPG's
15. talk about writing about their RPG characters
16. are photographed with a gun
17. are photographed with a dead animal
18. are photographed in their karate pajamas
19. post a GLAMOR SHOT featuring their cowboy hat
20. confuse your, you're and yore
21. use the word "yore"
22. are wearing a skirt (unless it's a kilt... and then only maybe)
23. are featured in some pose with their motorcycle
24. wear their baseball hat backwards
25. don't know that you're supposed to have either long hair or a bald patch
26. mention "the gym" in their "can't live without"
27. are featured kissing another woman, stripper or not
28. are dressed for the Ren Faire in a non-ironic way
29. say "I need to find a direction for my life"
30. mention high school
31. mention their mothers
32. mention their ex-wives
33. make the "I'm tough" face that makes them look constipated
34. did I mention guys from high school?
35. look like they might be too old to date my mom
36. resemble Jon (as in "and Kate")
37. have BUGS on their BEARDS
38. uses a wedding pic. From their own weddings. HONESTLY
39. are "working on thinking about maybe going back to school." Go or don't go. Jeez
40. look like Nick Rhodes... unless that WAS Nick Rhodes...

I'm exhausted.

Also? I'm thinking I'll just buy an electric blanket instead.

Job Update the Millionth...

So I'm at work and not entirely sure what I should be doing right now. I'm trying to settle in, but I feel like I'm on a third date with a really great guy and a longtime crush has asked for my phone number. Is it worth disrupting the nice, stable relationship with a perfectly nice guy to try someone I've said I always wanted but really don't know very well?

Oy. I wish I was talking about boys.

Alas, no, I am talking about jobs. After months (and months) of no job showing much interest in me beyond the first date, four want to schedule a second date. I turned three of those down, but one of the organizations who wants an interview?

The VA. It's the social work equivalent of The Holy Grail and The Brass Ring all wrapped up in good benefits and a nice retirement plan. Dammit.

I'm going on the interview and we'll see, but the not knowing is making it that much more difficult for me here. I feel like a liar. I want to be jumping in with both feet and immersing myself in the culture here, but at the same time I don't want to get to attached - just in case. I love this job. And I love (love love love) my co-workers and my boss... and I feel like I'm cheating on them. They think I'm in this for the long haul. Because I told them I was.

To be fair, what I actually said in response to their worry that I would jump ship as soon as something in Wichita opened up was, "Unless something five minutes from my house offers me twice what you're offering you have nothing to worry about."

Oh yes. I said that. I tempted fate again. In my second interview here. I pretty much said that if The VA offered me something I'd run. Well? How the fuck was I supposed to know they'd call?? I can turn down offers from Comcare for this job, I can turn down offers from everyone else in town except the VA.

The worst part? The job that's open? Is not at all what I want to do. In fact, this position has had at least two people in as many years. It's one of the highest burnout rates in the system. But you know what happens to someone who burns out in the VA?? They transfer to a better position. So this job I don't want could turn into a great job I DO want.

If they offer it.
If I take it.

Maybe the interview will suck and I can stop thinking about it and settle in here for real. Oh who am I kidding?? After two years of bad, good things are finally starting to happen and with TOTALLY bad timing.

Several people at my new job bring dogs to work. Most of them are little dogs - purse sized - but there is one black lab that comes around.
I'm not AGAINST this practice... So long as there isn't any poo around... But it is a little unfair to cat owners.
I think about how the day would go if I brought Sheldon, for example.
The amount of havoc that boy can create is legen-waitforit-DARY. I can see him stealing pens from desks and chewing on, well, everybody and everything.
And everybody's everything.
Oy.
But Sammie might just curl up on the other chair and "Mrrrrrp!" at people. That might be nice.
Of course, I'd have to have a litter box. And there would certainly be poo.
Maybe I should get a fish for companionship.

Work, Work, Work.

So the job is going well so far... I'm in the middle of training right now, so I won't really start to meet my clients for another week. Everyone goes through the same basic training, so today I was in class with three (very young) new aides. (Seriously. One of them was SEVENTEEN. Which is exactly half my age. Half). When they say really stupid things or ask really stupid questions I have to remind myself that they are CHILDREN and can't really help it.

I am now certified to pass meds and check vitals and blood glucose levels.

We learned some things that I thought were very basic no-brainers. Like... if you're going to help clean someone after they have messed their pants you should wear gloves.

Look. I don't know about anyone else, but you do not have to remind ME to wear gloves in any situation like that. In fact? Try to stop me. I want double gloves and a fucking HAZ-MAT suit.
And a raise.

Lucky for me, social workers don't usually handle the physically messy stuff... but it's good to know procedure just in case. And in an emergency situation I am capable of a lot of things I would ordinarily consider impossible.

The drive isn't bad at all. I just finished listening to Jen Lancaster's newest book. I love her. Really. Today I started a David Sedaris book... the drive flies by. So far I don't even mind how early I have to get up to be there on time. Remember, I came from the magical world of radio where I rolled out of bed at the crack of 9 to be on the air by 10. Early is not my friend.

I thought that working would be such a relief that I would sleep like a baby. I have been wrong before. I've slept an average of two hours a night this week so far. It is my great hope that I will get more sleep tonight.
I don't know if there is any connection at all... but despite my lovely job I am still worried about money.

I sort of knew how much gas it was going to take and what that was going to cost me, but I don't think I was really prepared for it. Basically, my gas tank is sucking down all the rest of my reserves.

I will get a real paycheck in two weeks and with any luck I can keep my head above water until then.

Job Update

I have one!!
Finally.

I am not a QMRP, just a case manager... but I think that's actually a good thing. You know, considering I have more or less NO experience with the population. My boss even pushed for me to get more money per hour since I have to drive an hour each way. So nice, right??

My last boss? Would NEVER have offered more money. (Not Andie, obviously, but HER boss). In fact, he once offered me LESS money than I was making in a temporary position to make it permanent. Less. Money. Swear to God. I looked at him and said, "Or I cold quit."

BUT that is in the past.

My new job? Starts tomorrow. ACK!!
Bean's dad bought me a Snoopy card to say "Congratulations!"... and Deb said she was "Snoopy Dancing" for me, so when I saw this tote bag at Wal Mart:






I knew that it had to come home with me.
Cause what I need is another tote bag, right??
Totally.

I'm going to pack my lunch and some things for my new office and some knitting (I might have down time) and an extra shirt in case I get all "oopsie" with my food at lunch.

Tomorrow is orientation, Thursday and Friday are "shadowing" days and Monday is when the real training starts. I'm excited... I'll let you know!

Crap.

I've been noticing that when things go wrong it's not always the last thing you did that caused it.
Like when you reach for a Kleenex and your back goes out.
Or you pick up an empty mug and the handle falls off and the mug hits the floor and breaks.
Or you joke with your mom about money and she freezes up and nothing you can say is going to be OK for awhile.

Me and my mommy.
Wow.
It takes so very little for our good humor to freeze over and for feelings to be hurt. And we can go months without incident and then something I say or do cancels everything out. And after 34 years of these patterns the precipitating event doesn't even have to be very big to cause extensive fallout. Maybe it's just this way with mothers and daughters...

I know the two things I said tonight to cause the shift in mood... but I don't know what came before them. What list of missteps I have made before tonight. Small things that on their own mean nothing, little grievances that have become a long list of wrongs.

It's exhausting. Really.

Will there be an actual confrontation? Or will I be able to make it up to her with good behavior? Was she just out of sorts tonight? Am I oversensitive because of my run in with whatshisname? (And what was THAT about anyway??)

For the second time today I am looking at one of my relationships thinking, "Why is this so complicated?" This business of loving me just seems unbearable to the people who have to do it. I really sort of feel sorry for them.

OK. That's one of those whine-y, pathetic things that I make fun of other people for writing. I'll stop.

Time for bed.

Blahsville

Had a(nother) second interview yesterday... Including me, there are three people vying for two positions. One is a QMRP - basically more responsibility and more money, and the other is a case manager. I think they really like me, and I got to meet some of the clients... but I have been down this road before. It's entirely possible that the other two people interviewing have worked with this population for ten years and I will be edged out (again) by experience.
But how is one supposed to GET experience if one can't get hired??

So my life has slowed down again to wait.

I'm trying to sty positive and leave the house at least once a day, but that is actually much more difficult than it sounds. I just don't feel very social these days. And I get tired so fast.

I have been falling asleep by 10 every night and then waking up around 2. I don't know what the hell that's about, but it seriously needs to stop. It means I have been watching a lot of daytime TV. That also needs to stop. Morning Newscast banter, Martha Stewart, The Price is Right and other inanities are sucking away my will to think.

Friday I decided to mow the front yard (I KNOW, right?). I think my lawn has been mowed three times this summer. It's wrong. I know. But the front yard gets so much shade that it doesn't get very high, just scraggly and I'm rarely in the back, so I don't realize that it's, you know, waist high. And I hate to mow. Hate it. So I go into avoidance mode.

It wasn't so bad, but I was too tired and WAY overheated by the time I got to the backyard so I thought I'd finish on Saturday. I made it almost all the way through the backyard when the mower died. And when I say "died" I mean sputtering and emitting black smoke. Dead.

So after all that I'm going to have to call someone else in to finish anyway.

So I'm off to do more laundry and watch my soap opera.

Hi. I need a fucking job.