Post 400! (But really it's just more whining)

My computer is back. Sort of. The best engineer in the world did something magical and if I am careful the jack works... like, the computer is receiving AND storing energy. Now if only the best engineer in the world could magically do that for me.

I thought I would do something wonderful and amazing for the 400th post... but it's just more of me, complaining about the husband and spending money.
Lots of money.
I bought my iPod today. It's beautiful. I promptly spent every cent (and then some) of the gift certificates I got for Christmas! I feel bad about one of them, though... Kerri and James left one for me as a little "Christmas thank you" for letting their dog out while they were gone. I went over there several times and the dog flat-out refused to go out.
Luckily they were only gone overnight.
Anyway, Bean is so happy to have my old Shuffle. I could have saved time, money and energy and just bought the child a large iTunes gift certificate!! Luckily, she is my child and is more than happy to listen to the music I like. And also, some nice grandparent bought her a small-ish gift certificate so she could download some Timberlake. I can neither confirm not deny that Justin is in my playlist as well.

And on to the husband stuff...
You know that the opposite of love is not hate, right? It's indifference. Apathy. The husband keeps trying to pick fights and I just can't summon up the energy to indulge him. Every shitty thing he does and says makes me want to say, "Thank you for making this so much easier." The ex-husband and I went through a time like this... and shortly after that I admitted to him that the only thing keeping him alive was how expensive our sheets were. I would lay next to him at night and think about which two ribs I would have to get a knife through so that I would puncture a lung and he would bleed to death without being able to scream for help. It is better in those situations to leave.

He helped me pack the car and filled it up with gas before I left. A little fear is a healthy thing.

And if it weren't for this house I would have already called U-Haul. This is my house and he is the one who is going to have to move out. That didn't go so well last time... I'm hoping that the apathy will help me along this time. And it's not just the job thing, either. I honestly don't think that I would feel any different if he did go out and get a job. I just don't trust him anymore. I don't trust that he will be there when things are bad. I don't trust that he will help me or protect me or nurture me or be strong for me when I need him to. I had more or less decided to wait until February - that's a year of joblessness - but I don't know if I'll make it that long.

And I think he knows it on some level. He is alternately very sweet and then a total ass (though the "sweet to ass ratio" is something like 1:5) and from my "behaviorist" perspective I can see that it is all an infantile cry for attention. I used to say that all men are 15 but my husband is 7. He's losing ground. This is three- or four-year-old behavior.

And Bean is not stupid. She knows what's going on. The last time we discussed it directly I told her not to be surprised if he moved out after the first of the year. She said, "I would have kicked him out a long time ago, mom." (Oh, hello sign, how are you this fine evening?) I said, "Well, I hoped that things would get better." She said, "Me too. But that's not really happening, is it?"

I love that kid. Also? I am sort of afraid of her intelligence.

Luckily she responds well to "Live like I say, not like I do."

And yes, I know what I need to do and I know how I need to do it. (Where's that fucking knife?)
Just kidding.

Worry Not, Dear Readers!

I am stronger than some creepy boy, no matter how good he smelled or how spinny my head gets. He has no chance with me. (And I doubt that he would even want one). I was just surprised and a little (lot) freaked out at the sudden and unexpected reaction to him!

Also, if (when) my marriage finally ends I am not at all interested in any kind of relationship with anyone. Maybe for a long, long, long time. I don't know if it is that there is something in me that isn't good in relationships or if I have just had a string of bad luck. I know that I was too young the first time around, but I was 29 this time and I really thought I had a more realistic idea about marriage and life and love and forever. I never expected that he would go through such a complete and total personality change.

I'm not sure that I will ever trust a romantic relationship ever again. I don't say that to be dramatic or maudlin or anything... I am merely subscribing to the "once bitten twice shy - third time carry a Taser" theory.

Dude, where's my Equilibrium?

There is someone I stay far, far away from.
This person is bad for me and also, makes my head go all spinny. Which is bad for me.
Michelle has vowed to beat me senseless if I ever stray down that path again. It was bad for me.
When things were good with the husband, staying away from this person was easy and I didn't really think about it. When things got bad I still didn't even think about it... why jump from the frying pan into the vat of molten lava? Frankly, if things go south with the husband - well, that is to say, more south - I will not be dating (or "consorting") for a long-assed time.
But this person was sort of flung in my path for a very short time about 30 minutes ago and despite my best efforts and past experience I am a bit spinny.
Which is to say, damn he smelled good. And we have this flirty rapport that has existed since about ten seconds after we met (which was about 17 years ago). And it's been a long time since anyone has flirted with me. (And I pushed him away for a reason).
I think that the thing that has me all freaked out isn't that I saw him and my head went all spinny, but that the difference is so enormous between how I felt for about thirty seconds about thirty minutes ago and how I usually feel.
I'm not going there. I'm really not. I promise.
OK. I'm going to need someone to hit me really hard... to re-set my head and everything.
I'm going to go and take a short nap. In the snow.

Christmas Napping

I was not going to post today - what with it being Christmas Eve and all... I'm just not in the holiday spirit. This is nothing new for me, but this year it is particularly bad.
Let's just say that if you talk to me between now and, oh, December 27th I'll probably have a Xanax-smile on my face and if we make plans I won't reliably remember them.

BUT, the book-fairy left me a copy of the new Sweet Potato Queens book and I came across this passage, "I don't care if Sean Connery is signing thighs and giving away free Fendi bags - if it's nap time, you need to plan on catching Sean next time he's in town. Again I say, nap time is sacred..."

A-FREAKING-MEN, sister.

So my Christmas present to myself (and all of you) is permission to nap. Plan it out. Make a date with your blankie and tell everyone around you that you are NOT TO BE DISTURBED for at least an hour, ideally three or four. And the truth about naps is that they don't necessarily have to include actual sleep! Remember when your babies were little and you didn't care if they were in their cribs plotting world domination as long as they were quiet and safe and didn't need anything for an hour? Just have a little snack and put yourself down for a nap. Read something, knit something, watch something, stretch out over the whole bed and breathe for an hour. Hire someone to walk around the house saying, "Hush, she's sleeping!" if you have to.

And if you feel cranky when you wake up, have some graham crackers and apple juice... or vodka and cranberry juice, whatever works.

Oh the Randomness...

I know that nobody cares... but I got all A's again this semester!! My grad school GPA so far is 3.9!!
It's a good feeling even though I know that once I graduate there won't be anyone but me (and my mom) who cares at all. I have wondered more than once if going back to school was the right decision, and I have wondered if the sacrifice is really worth it. I was so close to dropping out of the program at the end of last year. I was so tired and burning out fast... and I really (really really) didn't care anymore. (That would be the reason for the one B that made my 4.0 a 3.9).
This semester we had to do a family tree of sorts - it was supposed to be culturally focused and I organized mine by education level. I also included my step-family as they have been a part of my "cultural history" since I was about 5. Even with the inclusion of all three families my mother is the only person with a masters degree. Crazy, right?
It's funny how I spent so much of my life being really critical of my mother and now I am glad to be so much like her.

*****

There is a sock retreat through The Loopy Ewe. In April. In St. Louis.
And it doesn't cost a thousand dollars.
And I can DRIVE to St. Louis from here.
Here's the catch: it is the last weekend of the spring pledge drive.
Fucking job.

*****

Last night the husband said he had been noticing that I had changed in the last six months. I wasn't as quick to comfort him as I used to be. I said, "Yup, you have actually depleted my reserves. Did you think I was kidding when I kept saying 'I feel like I have nothing left'?"
The exchange that preceded this was regarding our fight the night before. He said (about the fight) "I'm not a bad guy." He says this a lot. Usually I agree with him. Last night I said, "What, you just play one on TV?"
OK. It was a little sharper than I meant it to be. But there is only so much a girl can take!
No, he's not a bad guy. He's also a hard worker and has a healthy sex-drive. Not that you would know that by ANY of his actions over the last 18 months or so.
He's not a stupid person.
He's just really self-involved and tends not to react to stuff that isn't smacking him in the face.
And even then it takes awhile for him to react. He sort of reminds me of that turtle thing in The Neverending Story.

*****

My mom bought me a rockin' pair of boots for Christmas. They're knee-high and made for girls with larger calves. Like me. I tried them on and they didn't fit. It was sort of (and by "sort of I mean really really really) embarrassing to not fit in the fat-girl boots in front of my mother. My weight is the one thing that is still an issue between us. Otherwise we're golden.
Anyway, the plan was for me to send them back and see if they made larger sizes.
They do, but I'd have to send these back and then wait for another pair...
So I decided to try them on again - you know, without the audience. (Side note, did you know that you can't "suck in" your calf? Um, you can't).
But I did manage to get them on and they feel pretty good. They're leather with a microfiber back panel so I think that they'll stretch out a bit and it won't be such a struggle.

*****

In totally unrelated news I think I'm going to cancel the gym membership we never use and buy an elliptical machine for home.

*****

Andie is gone for 3 weeks. Stupid Christmas.

*****

I still have not purchased my iPod. My computer is not working. It's in the "hospital" - aka The Engineer's office - waiting for a part. Then he has to take it completely apart again and fix it and put it all back together. I figured that if I can't access my computer for file transferring it would do me no good at all to buy the iPod.
On the bright side, all of the Dorito crumbs that have accumulated under the keyboard over the last 2 years have been cleaned out.
So that's good.

*****

I've been shopping online again. I know. But I needed that Bare Minerals makeup! And also all of the sock yarn.
But here's the best part: It is my habit to have everything sent to me at work - fewer questions from the husband and I get it (theoretically) sooner. But this means that anything that doesn't get here by, um, tomorrow will not get to me until the university re-opens in January.
I am so smart, S-M-R-T.

Yarn!!

The prize yarn has been purchased and is on the way!
This is the yarn chosen for 2nd Prize...











This is the yarn that was chosen for 1st prize...





















And this is the yarn I chose for myself. I only have so much willpower, people.





ALSO!! I got my Winter Wonderland Coffee Swap package in the mail this week!!

My pal spoiled the pudding out of me. There would be pictures, but I sort of ate the Jr. Mints already. And also the nuts she sent.
I haven't actually consumed all of the coffee (I do keep making people smell it though) but I used the penguin mug this morning.
And she sent these really cool coffee-themed hand-made magnets.

I may have finally reset my sleep cycle. The night before last I finally got to sleep around 5 and then got a call from the station at 7. So I got up and showered and came in and by the time I got home last night I was a zombie. I made dinner and then slept all evening. I woke briefly to check homework, take care of the dishes and fight with the husband and then I went right back to sleep and didn't get up until this morning.
Of course, since I slept through what is usually the most juvenile and least helpful part of our fight-cycle the husband was sort of off-center this morning. He was cheerful and sweet.
Men suck.

CONTEST WINNERS!!

Thanks for all of your submissions!! I have enjoyed looking at all of them.

OK. To judge these submissions I saved them all to a separate file and looked at them without anyone's email attached.
This is totally MY OPINION and I apologize if you created, knitted or love any of these scarves. I think they're horrible, but then I wear leggings with socks and crocs under my dresses in the winter and think that it's warm and cute, despite all photographic evidence to the contrary.


The second-prize winner is :
The "Links" scarf, submitted by GimpyKat.
Wow, right? Someone made this. On purpose. I wonder if the little wienies are stuffed or something...
Bleh.
So GimpyKat, you have your choice of $15 worth of yarn from Shelly Dyes Yarn or Amazon.com, just let me know!

Now, the first place scarf had to be ugly. And also uncomfortable-looking. It also had to shock me that someone would go to all of the trouble to MAKE the scarf in the first place, and then think that it was a better idea to wear it (or give it as a gift) than to... I don't know... kill it?Here are the 3 that immediately stood out:

"Help, help, the scarf is trying to kill me!!"
It's not ugly exactly, I mean, the color is quite nice and also flattering... but it probably weighs more than she does.



"The Trouble with Bobbles..."
Aside from the puke shade of green, who needs this many bobbles on ANYTHING?!?


And last but certainly not least:
"I can't stop throwing up this Yarn!"
aka
"Green knitted Santa Beard. With Pin"


Now, had these three submissions come from three different people I might have had a serious problem! But lucky for me, Miss K. submitted all three and so she wins the 1st prize. EITHER a $25 gift certificate to Twist or Yarn Lust.