It's catching!!

Now I have started one of THOSE SCARVES. I love it. I want to just keep going until I have used every possible color combination. Sigh.
This first one is a gift... for someone who reads this very blog! Is it you?!?

Speaking of gifts, I got another package from my Secret Pal! I am such a total slacker. I still haven't sent my pal anything. Yet. I have been accumulating goodies.

Here's what I got:
Two lovely scarves.





















Some stuff for Bean:


















And the best, most relevant present EVER!!!















Nap-themed gifts! I love it!

Here it is...

The ubiquitous Thanksgiving post.

Most of you know that I have had a spectacularly craptastic year.
Well, couple of years really.
And while I am not the graceful sort, I have attempted to handle the events of the past few years with grace and humility (balanced as always by my sense of entitlement). And humor. Lots of humor.

I do have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for Bean. She has kept me grounded since the first time I felt her flutter. We model ourselves after our parents, we watch them closely and from that we learn the skills we need to be people. She has made my path more clear because everything I do affects her. I want great things for her, and that has made me a better person.

I am thankful for my mom... and yes, my sister. There is something that happens in a family full of strong women, and even when there are problems among us we can stand together and make things happen.

I am thankful for my friends. All of you. Through the whole Bartleby fiasco there was a core of strength that came from Andie and Michelle and Sally that kept me grounded and upright and walking.
Andie was the first one to hear the stories - in their raw form, before I could "funny them up" for mass-consumption.
Michelle was the first person to swoop in and pull me out of the house before the situation could accelerate, and she was the only person that he was afraid of. I enjoyed that.
Sally has been right there with me the whole way through the shock and anxiety. She took me by the hand and pulled me through the places I didn't think I could go. She has reminded me that when your world explodes around you the only thing you can do is pick up the pieces that you still want, clear away the rest and start over.

And when he died they were the first three people (who were not my mom) that I called. Mom said I "rallied the troops." And I did. And they made it bearable.

I am thankful for That Bad, Bad Man. Through the years (and the varying degrees of our relationship) he has been someone I have always been able to rely on.
I am working on my trust issues with men - I have been conditioned through my life to understand that men are unreliable and when they leave you have to clean up the mess. I have also been conditioned to understand that when that happens you look to the women in your life and we fix it. (Step one, FIX. Step two, IT. Step three, FIX IT).
He is patient with me, and he manages to reassure my crazy mind without false promises or inflated demands. And he makes me laugh. And he makes me feel loved.

I am thankful for Shelly. She has been a great friend to me... and to pretty much everyone in the whole world. She reminds me to be more accepting and open to people. I have never heard her say anything truely unkind about anyone. And she has created a place where everyone can feel welcome and relaxed and happy and just knit. And she's funny, and she's a great mom, and she's married to my favorite Matt. Proof that yes, Virginia, there are good marriages.

This all applies to Lara, too... she is so good at making difficult things semm not just possible, but effortless.

I am thankful for Twist. It's like Cheers: everybody knows your name and even the people who are annoying are just part of the experience. Twist has provided a place where we can laugh and breathe and be sad and find support. And also touch and smell and buy yarn and all sorts of yarny things. Twist is inspiration, Twist is learning new skills, Twist is meeting some of the best friends I have ever had.

I am thankful for everyone I didn't mention individually. All of the crazy people at Twist. All of the crazy people who read this blog. All of the crazy people who make my days happen.

Karma, you Bitch.

So after all of my fussing yesterday about the sick people at work I woke up in the middle of the night with a case of "ohdeargodmakeitstop" in my stomach. I am at work, trying to make it through the day, but I really to head home so that I can be completely miserable and cry in my own bathroom.
I need to fill my water bottle, but the walk from my office to the water cooler makes me dizzy and sweaty.

The worst part is that I am starving. Nothing sounds good, and the apple that I ate for breakfast didn't do so well, but I am hungry.

Stupid hungry.

And my brother's band is playing tonight (at 8pm upstairs from that record store in Delano) and if I can't feel better I can't go.

Maybe I'll keep trying to power through...
Or maybe I'll go home and crawl into bed with peppermint tea and saltines. Sally told me this morning that I needed to get some kitty love... her theory is that kitty spit cures anything. I think it's the purring.

Ha!

Look what I'm making for Thanksgiving!
Don't you wish you were invited?!? (Of course, if you have been anywhere near me in the last 2 weeks you probably were).
Many thanks to Sally for finding that blog. I love my Crock Pot and can totally respect a woman who has more than one!! (I have a big one and a little one... and not I know that I need at least one more).

I have actually been looking for a good Crock pot recipe for mashed potatoes as I am visiting the family in the afternoon and then taking mashed potatoes to Andie's in the evening. Andie's for Thanksgiving is the best.
Unless you like the canned cranberry glop... in which case you must meet me in secret on the front porch so that we can eat cranberries in can-shaped rings AS THEY WERE INTENDED BY NATURE instead of Andie's husband's relish which starts with actual cranberries. And is chunky. (Shudder).

So we saw Twilight. It was actually really good.
Campy enough not to be precious and true enough to the book that the characters made sense and their actions and reactions weren't suspect. What more can we ask for? (Besides a sequel, which they have TOTALLY set us up for. Yay!!)
And I have renewed my love for Edward. Sigh. He is intense and growly and funny. (If he could cook he'd almost be a bad, bad man!) And also the bad vampires? Completely fricking hot. Wow. Kudos on the casting.
We got there an hour before the movie started (tickets in hand, as I am a smart girl) and stood in line outside for more than half an hour. That's how packed it was. Seriously.
I knitted my Clapotis and wished I had thought ahead and made some fingerless gloves. I did wear the Clap around my neck as I was knitting it which was sort of funny, but also warmer.

There are, by the way, some fine-looking hand knitted items in this movie. I will be checking Ravelry for some new Twilight patterns in the coming weeks.

Lately I have had more energy and with a few exceptions I haven't had as much anxiety. This is not normal for me - especially this close to Christmas. I think it means I'm happy. And also stable. Finally. I know that therapy has played a role in this, and medication, but the most significant thing to me is that the relationships I have right now are all really good. Reciprocal. It's amazing how important reciprocation is, and the years of taking care of someone else with virtually no benefit for me left me mistrustful of relationships in general. The support and love and balance I have found with the people in my life right now has kept me from retreating all together.

So thanks.

Schadenfreud Pie

Sally and Lara and Andie and Kerri all came over Wednesday night to knit... and at one point we were talking about schadenfreud, and discussing whether or not it is really evil if the people who are suffering are bad people who have done bad things to you. Sort of a delightful karmic theater. I don't think that's evil at all... and if the victim was someone who first hurt you and you are not the cause of their misery.
And really? I think that finding someone's comeuppance amusing is a much less evil emotion than schadenfreud is meant to be. To me the key bits are the unexpected happiness and the maliciousness.
It's all so complicated.
Sigh.
But I googled it today to see what other bloggers had to say about it (because I am bored and there is nothing else to amuse me) and I came up with this entry for Schadenfreud Pie which I find completely lovely.

I am totally going to make that.

But not today.

Last night I weighed in for the Twist Losers Club. In front of people. And the number was not a surprise to me... I weigh in every Thursday (nakedly and privately) at home. The surprising thing was that after I wrote down my starting weight I couldn't stop crying. I felt really repulsive and out of control... because really? I should have taken this step a long time ago. And before Jeff I was working out almost every day and eating better and since my wedding day I have gained more weight than I wanted to admit in public.

But I did.

There is no magic in these numbers. No judgment from these friends. But somehow letting other people know the numbers made me feel like I would suddenly be less valuable to them. Really? Just less valuable to myself. I'm working on that.
In a fit of irrationality I also could not figure out why That Bad, Bad Man wanted to spend any time with me at all... and rather than stewing on that irrational thinking all night I asked him.

And he was supportive and lovely.
And he said the right things.
And if he's not careful he's going to be renamed That Good and Loving Man.

Work Sucks.

The other student is here today. I really enjoyed not having her here yesterday. She's out running an errand right now, so the office is blissfully quiet.
All day there has been a constant stream of chatter. High-pitched and whiny chatter. When I think about how many hours I have left with her it makes me really sad.

I have been sitting here wondering if this is what real jobs are like. I have had a series of jobs that are more or less non-traditional. Weird hours, different expectations and at the station I am salaried. The expectation being that I get my job done and move on. Here there are long swatches of time when I sit at my desk and do nothing. I surf the internets, I blog, I read, sometimes I knit... but there is no busywork, no list of things that I can do in my downtime.

Is this what real jobs are? It sucks. I know that once I graduate I will be working somewhere with similar expectations in terms of hours... but I hope that there will be more for me to do. I sit here and I think about all of the things that need to be done in other places. I think about the fact that sleeping until 10 or 11 would not at all change my productivity, only my geography. I think about the fact that I have people coming over tonight and my house is still sort of messy and I'm going to have to run around like a crazy person when I get off... and I'm just sitting here. It just feels really inefficient. And wasteful. And I really would rather do anything other than sit at a desk all day.
Yes, even clean.

I'm just whining because I finished my book and I have eaten my lunch and I'm having a really hard time staying awake.

Is it Still Monday or What?!?

This day did not have such a great start.

I woke up late and spent my drive into work begging and pleading and promising my firstborn child (sorry, Bean) to Verizon to keep my service going for another couple of weeks until I can pay the whole balance.

Then I got to The Vet Center and was reprimanded for something... and the word "lazy" came up, which you all know is a hot-button word for me. Especially given all that I am sacrificing (like a paycheck large enough to pay my Verizon bill) to BE here. Turns out, the person who was mad didn't realize that I had actually completed 90% of the task and was still working to finish up while the other student hadn't done any of it.

So I got an apology. And I got the last but of it done quickly. And when the person who was mad saw the work I had done she was impressed.
But "lazy" hurts.

And that stupid migraine that made me so sick on Saturday was back last night and there is a shadow of it lingering today. I just want to not feel like this anymore. I need to be more proactive about my migraine issues and stop just treating it when I get sick.
I heard about this book on NPR, and I like the author's holistic approach to thinking about migraines. It's not just a headache. It's a whole-body problem that has the potential to completely interrupt my life.
And it must be stopped.

What I really want is a nap... I know you're all shocked.

In GOOD news, last night when I got home there was a package from my Secret Pal already!! It had little bottles of Crabtree and Evelyn lotions and shower gel and stuff and it came in this cute little bag that is the perfect size for a sock bag. She also sent little post-it notes and Hershey chocolate-flavored lip gloss... and Bean absconded with those right away. So thanks, Pal!! Getting a little early gift has inspired me and I'm going to get a little something together for my pal too!!