I
You set the balance
in me, you set the length of
each breath then vanish.
II
Breeze through the backyard
honeysuckle and smoke
trees bend and whisper.
III
Come back to me, my
eyes burn from loss and smoke, nights
so long and emptied
IV
I would fold myself
into you like vanilla
into sugared cream.
V
I would close my eyes
and vanish too, diluted
by pleasure and sweet.

Can't Think, I'm Fasting!!

No, I am not giving up food... but extraneous spending.
(Stop laughing. Stoppit!)
Crazy Aunt Purl has been blogging about controlling her spending and you all know I spend WAAY too much money on non-essentials and not enough money on bills.
So, armed with my own little notebook (in which I will record all of the things that I want to buy but resist instead) I will spend the next six months making an effort to reduce spending.
Now, the fine print...
I will still go to movies with Andie on Fridays. That's sacred.
I will still participate in Twist's Sock of the Month Club - and honestly, it is my DUTY to support my LYS, so I will be spending money there when I have it.
I will spend money on my vacation (I leave in 17 days, but who's counting?).
I will spend money for Christmas and Birthdays.
But otherwise? The impulse buy crap? Into the notebook!
Here's the kicker: toward the end of this six months I am going to receive a rather large check. This means I won't be dipping into it willy nilly. And I have MONTHS to practice not spending money!
Stop laughing. Seriously. I can do this.
(They had some really cute notebooks at Target...)

Oh, Just Some More Crazy...

Saw Iron Man last night with Andie and Sally... and I liked it! I mean, it was a movie based on a comic book, but it was funny and in some places funny in a really smart way. Terrence Howard is so pretty, and I love me some Robert Downey. I mean, in real life I would run, broken foot and all, in the opposite direction of his bad-boy train wreck bullshit, but on screen? Hi there!

(I know, because Robert Downy is heartbroken now. What he really wants is my fat-girl train wreck bullshit, right?)

And I am such a train wreck. An aftermath. Charred remains.
(Enough).

Speaking of train wrecks, is it just me, or does Jeff Bridges become a worse actor every time he is in a movie? I mean, he used to be good, right? And now... jeez. Is he addicted to painkillers or something? Drunk? I mean, even Nick Nolte can pull it together better than Jeff Bridges these days.

Or perhaps I am too harsh. I was really tired last night... no sleeping lately... All I seem to be able to do is lie awake and obsess. Sleeping pills and all. About everything. All night. I parse conversations, looking for the things I said that were wrong. I replay things over and over, trying to find that one thing that flipped - the head domino - and why I didn't notice until it was too late.

And I cry and I get angry and then I think, "Well, no fucking wonder. Crazy town."

So last night I took a hot bath, I ate some ice cream, I took more than one sleeping pill and I settled in. Sometime just after midnight I was asleep. A storm woke me this morning at 5, but otherwise I did OK.

Memorial Day 2008

Suddenly unburdened my arms
still shake, weighed down still.
This purple heart solid, it
aches to its own beat under
the phantom weight of you
gone. This scar the width
of my thumb,
deep enough to strike oil.

More Storms

Storms moving in again tonight.
I'm worried about Bean... she called a little while ago. Her dad lives out in the country and they're getting the first wave. She's afraid of the weather and we couldn't hold a connection on the cell phones. I know he'll keep her safe, but I hate when she is scared and I can't be there with her.
I'm worried about me, too.
Apparently I had a few more things to throw on that fire last night. Self-esteem, insecurity and feelings of abandonment to name a few. I should have known this would come up. Last night one of the party guests was amazed that she sees my dad (the donor) a LOT more than I do. In her world, my dad is a great guy who is funny and attentive and nice to be around. In my world, my dad is distant and removed and silent for months at a time.
(Thanks for making sure I have good relationships with men, dad!)
Freud was a crazy, coke-addicted, narcissistic misogynist... but he wasn't always totally wrong. We do usually end up in relationships with representations of our fathers.
We can't help it, it's how we were raised.
As adults we are supposed to be self-aware and healthy and learn to get out of that cycle.
(How's that working for you?)
Just fine and dandy... NOT! I have said it before - I am fabulous at maintaining relationships, I suck at men.
The first one was my boy scout hero, my courtly love affair. I didn't let him get close enough to disappoint me, so he remains this perfect example of What I Want in a Man. Sadly, (luckily?) he is married and lives about 30 states away.
Then the judgmental committment-phobe who lasted so much longer than he should have and got married a year or so after we broke up. Hmmmmmm.
Then Bean's dad.
Then the gay one. (Seriously, everyone thought he was gay when they met him. But he was safe, if emotionally unavailable... Safe because he was emotionally unavailable?) He is married now, too. To a woman.
Then Bartleby.

Am I really this afraid of being alone?!?
Am I really so emotionally needy that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all?!?

Probably.

Bad Karma Out: Exhale

The party was a success. I cleaned ALL DAY and by the time Andie got there I was ready for a drink. We got the food on the table and had a chance to sit for a little bit before anyone actually showed up.

It was fun - lots of food and laughter and food. My friends come up with the best things to bring to a party! It was also a little emotional, not a big shock, but for me anyway it was emotional in exactly the right way.

Here's what I burned:
Sympathy cards. A whole stack of them. I appreciated them, but it was time for me to let them go.
(A copy of) my marriage licence and the divorce papers.
A birthday card for Jeff. (His birthday is next Friday) Inside I put a letter I wrote to him when we first started dating, a poem from the same time and then I wrote to him inside the card. I cried for about 30 minutes and then resumed cleaning.
The word "Guilt."

When it was time to burn stuff I was feeling pretty good, but I did get a little choked up just before I burned the birthday card. Last year for his birthday we went to Chicago... it was the first good weekend we had in a long time, and the last good weekend we had ever.

My mom came, and brought my brother's girlfriend, my cousin came and brought her sister and her mother... the Usual Yarny Suspects were there: Lara, Sally, Denise, Kerri, Andie... along with some other fabulous yarny friends: Sam, Shel, Jackie and Angelique. Speaking of fabulous, Michelle was there too.

I think we need more of these. If not for dumping Karma, at least for sitting around and eating good food and laughing.

Maybe we'll even let boys come next time.

Is it Naptime Yet??

There is one long weekend ahead.
Wow.

I'm working all day today at the station and then until midnight at my other job. Tomorrow is my Karma Dump party, so I have from whenever I wake up and get moving on Saturday until 7pm to whip my house into some kind of appropriate level of clean.
That sounds like a lot of time... but I hate cleaning and am easily distracted.

Plus I need to go to the grocery store and the liquor store and the party store... and still get a nap in the afternoon.

Also, we were supposed to be burning stuff in the chiminea - as in, outside - and it's supposed to rain. Bleh. Well, I guess we can always crowd onto the back porch and sort of toss stuff in... as long as I can keep the fire going we should be fine. Right?!?

I'm also feeling a little hermity again. Substantially less crabby, but hermity nonetheless. I am looking forward to the party, but I may be headed into a period of quiet after. It's been a long time since I have been able to indulge my need to be alone, but I'm only working half days next week and Bean is with her dad...
Unless I get a really tempting offer I might just hole up in the house.

I was suggested to me that I use the money to move away and start over when I graduate. I have to admit that is a somewhat tempting idea... to start over completely. But there are many more reasons to stay - not the least of which is the fact that my entire family (and Bean's entire family) lives here. There is also the fact that my friends are a large part of my life and my strength... and with a few notable exceptions they are all here. I can not imagine that my life would be better or more fulfilled than it is here, and the things that I have to deal with would just be traveling with me.

So those of you who know me in "real life" are totally stuck with me!