Over

There has been a lot of joking about Bartleby here. A lot of complaining and a lot of frustration.
Right now I wish I could take it all back.

I got home from work Sunday night and checked on him... he looked like he was asleep so I went to bed. There was a storm around 3am - something that usually wakes him. I went to talk to him and he wasn't asleep. He hadn't been asleep the first time I checked either.

The paramedics said he had probably been gone for five to eight hours.

There was a time when he was happy, when we were happy. There was a time when he was the sweetest guy in the world. Since is father died he became someone else entirely and while I know that no matter what the autopsy shows there was nothing that any of us could have done.

He was sick. Mentally and physically and nothing that his mother or his friends or I could say would make him go to the doctor.

There are a lot of theories about what happened, but the truth is that we just don't know yet.

I loved him. My daughter loved him. My family loved him.

He apparently died while I was at work. Alone and unhappy and probably scared. The paramedics and the police and the chaplain and my mom and everyone else has said that nine of it was my fault... but I will always wonder what more I could have done.

The funeral is Thursday. I am still in shock and I don't honestly know what comes next for me or anyone else in this. Of course, I rallied the troops. Andie and Michelle and Kerri and Mr. Kerri and Sally and Steve and even my sister came to sit with me today. My sister and Michelle and my mom went over to the house to clean it for me.

I'm not ready to go back there, and that image - what I saw last night - will stay with me for the rest of my life. There are things that you just don't get over.

Boys Suck

They just do. I'm tired of them and all of their stink.
Is it too much to ask for a boy to be consistent and you know... what's the word... um... SANE?

Apparently it is.

Now I know that I am not the poster child for sanity and consistency. I know. But honestly, most men can't even meet a minimum expectation level on a consistent basis.

Or maybe I'm biased and overly judgmental.

Well if I am it's their fault. So there.

(Clearly I'm going for "Blogstress most likely to get a date." And also Ms. Congeniality).

I had a good weekend... I met Michelle and Sally and Andie for dinner on Friday and then Sally and I had lunch and knitting on Saturday. That is my standard definition of a "good weekend."

I did have a moment of concern over Bartleby on Saturday because I realized I hadn't seen or heard him moving around since Thursday night and there is no physical evidence that he's moving around when I'm gone... I thought, "Oh crap, what if he's dead or something!" I know, right? I would totally be the primary suspect. And the den would smell bad for weeks. When I got home Saturday night I opened the door to the den and looked inside. He was awake (and very much alive) and didn't even look my way, so I closed the door and went to bed.
Whew, right?
I haven't actually spoken to him since he called me on Wednesday about the divorce papers. He is apparently unhappy about the time limit.

I sort of like the not speaking part... I just wish he would give me the silent treatment from his mom's basement.

And Google? Wipe that frickin' smirk off of your stinky boy face. You know what you did.

Dear Scary Google

Please stop reading my email and making judgments about my life. I know that I am sometimes a little slow on the uptake and you are, you know, Google and all... and I'm sure that the omnipotence makes you a little less patient with the trials and tribulations of mortals, but I'm never going to learn anything for myself if you tell me what decisions to make every time. So no more subtle hints, OK??

Thanks!

J

... So I got an email from Knitpicks. The "Sponsored Links" were all about bankruptcy. Seriously. I'm not sure what triggered that. Usually they're about yarn. I got an email from a friend that included a conversation about dinner and the "Sponsored Links" were about losing weight. Yesterday I got an email from a male friend (Classic Coke) and the "Sponsored Links" included these titles: "Why He Manipulates You" and "Understand Why Men Leave?"

For the love of all things soft and woolly.

I was like, "Mom?"

On the Mend

I do not have pneumonia. Or bronchitis. I have done some damage to my bronchial passages from all the coughing and that needs to heal. I got a breathing treatment and an inhaler and now that I can actually breathe I'm doing better. It's amazing what a little oxygen will do!

Dr. N has a cutie-pie student working with her and I liked him a lot. Most of her students are the nervous, quiet type. He came in and examined me first and made his initial diagnosis and then he waited with me for her to get there. He asked why I didn't come in when I had the flu and I said, "Leave my house, spend $20 and infect your waiting room so that you could tell me to go home and rest and get lots of fluids?" He still looked a little confused and Dr. N said, "Nurse's daughter."

Damn straight.

There are times when you are sick that you need to see the doctor... and there are times when you just do not. There are things that even modern medicine can't fix.

So I'm good... and with the inhaler I'm a little jazzed up.

I'm also knitting wee, tiny socks. The cast on is 20 stitches. That's wee.

Tonight is Final Friday - galleries and other businesses downtown are open late and there is art and fun and a trolley that takes you to the various places for free. Andie and Michelle and I went last month and this month Sally is coming too!! We're going to have dinner and then get some art on and then maybe see a movie.

Michelle and Andie are both still getting over the crud, too, so we might end up eating a fabulous dinner and then just sit there and talk instead. Art, schmart... the best part is the eating and the talking anyway, right?

Have a great weekend everyone!

When the going gets tough...

The not-so tough take to their beds and pretend it's not happening.
That's what I want to do today. Instead I'm at work now and then I'll visit Dr. N (bronchitis? pneumonia? hypochondria? simple stress?) and then have a late lunch and go to class.

I feel like wet Kleenex. Delicate, clingy and sort of gross.

It was totally cry-fest 2008 last night... I was all about the self-pity. I hate that kind of crying. The "poor me, when will this disaster end? Did I steal from small children in a former life to deserve this misery?" kind of crying. It's all crap. And you don't even feel cleansed the next day. Just limp and somehow more pathetic.

Now I want fried rice and chocolate cake.
And a nap.
And for class to be cancelled.

He got Served!

I answered the door for the process server this morning.
Yay!!

I told Bartleby the door was for him and then waited while he sllllllooooooooooooooowly got up and came to the door. Then I took a shower and went to work.

He called me about an hour later and was really angry. First he wanted to know why my server was "6 days late." That confused me. Turns out he was reading _______, 20___ (the line where you can fill in when he is supposed to leave, as in March 1, 2008) as the 20th of this month. Idiot. He went on about the 20th for awhile before he figured it out. Not having seen the papers I was at a loss.

"I can't believe you'd do this. I've been sick!" He yelled. "I would never do something like this to you."

That last line? I've heard that a lot. I usually ignore it, because going there requires more time and energy than I have for him. This time I said, "Well there are a lot of things that you've done that I would never do to you. So there we are. Did you think I was just going to wait another 6 months until you 'feel good' before I tried to finalize this?"

The interesting part... judging from his comments he hasn't gotten past page one of the summons. Wonder how he's going to react when he realizes the insurance is gone.
Should be good times at my house!

I am almost done with bean's spring socks - and have 3 pairs of socks waiting (impatiently) in the wings. The March OYT socks are first, because it's almost April!! Next come the Monkey socks for the next Monkey Swap, and then the BMFA March shipment - which I totally love.

BUT FIRST!! I'm going to knit wee tiny socks. I'm going to use the leftover Bamboo Cotton from Bean's socks (if there is any!! Kid's got monster feet).

I am also moving right along with my Oblique sweater. I have made some mistakes and thought briefly about going back and fixing them, but decided against it. First, I'm lazy as sin and second, what in this world is perfect?!? Why put that kind of pressure on knitting?

Knit on, Knitters!

Deadline

Despite my concern that I will experience some kind of mental break once the immediate stress of this has passed I am still really want this over as soon as possible.

I talked to my lawyer today... remember how I said we could serve him with a summons and then he had 20 days to respond and then if he didn't respond the judge would end the marriage after 60 days? Apparently the 60 day clock has been running this whole time!! They're going to serve him sometime this week and he still has 20 days to respond, but as long as he doesn't contest anything this will all be over by April 28th.

That's a month away.

I can hold on for another month.

Just keep breathing.