Tick, tick, tick

In a month I will be busy.

That's my current mantra. For now I'm just watching the clock. Every two hours I go feed the meter and at the end of the day I get to go home.

I have three clients now, which does not quite fill 40 hours a week. A "full caseload" for me is allegedly 10 (as opposed to my previous 28). The other specialist is down to 5 now... so we'll see. For now I see my three whole clients and write my three whole case notes and then I offer to do stuff for other people in the office (while reminding them that they shouldn't get used to it because in a month I will be busy).

Some days I'm just a really well-educated, high-paid errand girl.

It's not so bad.

I think I have lured my office mate into the dark world of knitting... heh heh heh. I'm going to start her on a washcloth and see if it takes.

Bean has been with her dad every other week and it has made for a really nice summer. She's gone for a week and I miss her and then we have a week to do stuff together and have fun and then she goes back. I sometimes wish her dad lived in town and we could do this year-round. Then I think about the unfortunate hair cut she got a few weeks ago and then I remember why this would not be a good plan.

It is amazing to me that summer is half over and school will be starting soon... I still get the back-to-school pangs and feel an overwhelming urge to buy filler paper and pink erasers. (You know, for Bean).

The fun thing about this job was that I got to go buy markers and crayons and colored pencils to use with my clients. Also, Uno and regular playing cards and I am seriously contemplating a Play-Doh aquisition. With kids - especially MR/DD kids - getting them to play helps them engage and then they open up just a little bit.

I'm feeling better about leaving Mac. Keeping in contact with some of my former co-workers has helped... I keep up on the gossip and the crazy office politics and that reminds me why sometimes a larger office is better. I'm sure there is office drama here, and I'm sure there are politics at play, but I just do my little job and go home and I just don't get involved. It takes a lot less energy. My plan is to stay under the radar, only coming into view when I volunteer to do something (like man the booth at the kids mental health fair next month - because I am crazy like that).

There are opportunities for advancement and it has been suggested to me that I go for them... and I am moving in that direction... slowly. I really don't know what I want from this job. Every time I think I know what I want from something I get something else entirely... so I'm just going to hold still for awhile and see what happens.

Like a ninja.

Fine

Friday night someone asked me if I was still blogging and I said, "Yes!" without hesitation. Then I realized how long its been since I posted anything.

My last day at work was the best and worst last day ever. I felt loved and missed and sad. I spent that weekend mostly in bed feeling like I had made the worst mistake of my life and started my new job without a shred of energy or motivation. Good times.

The first two weeks felt like a conference with all of the trainings and weirdness... I kept reminding myself that I wasn't going back to Mac and it hurt every time. Things are evening out now, and I'm finding my own pace.

The truth is that it's not so bad. I don't love this job, and I miss my old job, but this really was a good move for me. And the reason I haven't been blogging much is because that's really all I have to say about it. I'm not even ambivalent and conflicted about it. I just don't have any strong feelings about it at all and I feel really blank.

Maybe that will make me more effective because I won't get so caught up in everything.

Or something.

Things are good at home... Bean is having a much better summer (despite an unfortunate hair cutting incident in which the idiot stepmother - who is not a cosmetologist - decided she needed bangs). Me working in town has been really positive for her. My house is still a giant mess, but I am feeling more organized and on top of things than I have in awhile.

The cats are nuts-o as always. We came home Saturday and found three skeins of yarn in weird places and a hairball thoughtfully placed on a towel on my bed. Also they have fleas. My inside cats have fleas. Which means I gave them fleas. Super. I have ordered some flea junk and hopefully by next weekend we will be once again flea-free.

I've also seen my friends more often and we restarted swim night at mom's house...

Everything is just... fine...

So why do I feel so empty??

Counting Down

My last day is a week from tomorrow. I'm still a little bit in denial about it.

I have spent this week training my replacement. That has been interesting. She's going to be fine as soon as the "deer in the headlights" phase passes. The funny thing is that there are times, especially in the afternoon, when she says, "What do you usually do now?" and the real answer is, "Hang out and gossip." The training answer is, "Let's look at some of the client schedules."

And we've all been on our best behavior. She is young (24) and ... sheltered (raised Holdeman Mennonite) ... and everyone in my highly inappropriate department has been scared to death that they would offend her or scare her away.
She's fine.
She even had a margarita at dinner tonight. Everyone was shocked... but the thing I've noticed about her is that while she does not use bad language or gossip about people (so far) she does seem really amused when we do.

It just feels weird to help someone feel at home when I am really not ready to move on.

I will get there. I'm sure I will.

In eleven days I'll be coming home from my own first day at my new job... I'll probably be exhausted and overwhelmed and have the "deer in the headlights" thing going on. I will be sad and I will miss my crew...

But my commute will be shorter.

Some Kind of Blue

I haven't yet turned on the air conditioner. The cats have responded by alternately napping on low, cool spots and napping on my head while I try to sleep. I think it's a sort of protest... but I can't stand to turn on the A/C before it's really really necessary, just like I can't stand to turn the heat on in the winter until the cats start knitting little hats and boots out of their own discarded fur.

I hate how much money I spend on "essentials" like electricity and water, as it seriously impedes my ability to afford the things I really need: more yarn and books and dinners out with friends.

And my friends are all doing fine-ish... some better than others. We're all so busy with the way things are going that we haven't had a lot of time (or energy) for each other. It happens. That has made me sad, but what is there to do? We communicate in the same way I communicate with my friends who live far, far away: email, texts, Facebook and Twitter. Sometimes life gets in the way and that has to be enough.

I think that is one of the reasons this job change is causing me so much grief. My work friends will never come close to how important my friend friends are, but lately I spend most of my awake time with them. I see them every day. I eat with them and laugh with them and we all go through the same frustrations and craziness during the day. I doubt I will retain my relationships with more than one or two of them, but right now they're filling a void.

I miss my friends.

There is just so much going on. Everyone is busy and every one has something that is occupying a good percentage of her time.

And I'm not really complaining... I am just as occupied and unavailable as everyone else. Maybe this new job will help with some of that. I'll at least be here. That's ten more hours a week that I can be present for them and for my kid. (She is doing very well right now, thanks for asking!)

I'm back in that place I hoped I would grow out of years and years ago. I'm in the transition place. The "where do I fit into the world" place. I look ahead to June 14th and I imagine myself eating lunch alone at my new desk instead of sharing communal lunch with my team. I imagine hours of reading through policy manuals and meeting scores of people whose names will refuse to stick with me for weeks. And from what I've seen there are a lot of fake nails, processed hair and pantsuits in my future. How am I ever going to fit in there?

(I know. I'm going to do my job and do it well and I'm going to find my place there. Just as soon as I convince myself to want to).

Never Say Never

I love my job. I love pretty much everything about it. I love the people I work with, I love my clients, I love the "can do" attitude that even corporate seems to embrace... I even love driving an hour each way. (I just finished listening to The Fountainhead and started The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo).
My department has grown very close and we support each other and have a great deal of fun every day.

But...

The cost of gas is killing me. I drive about 600 miles a week, I get about 17 miles to the gallon and gas is nearly $3 a gallon. I don't do the math on that... it's too depressing to contemplate... and I thought that on my sad little case manager's salary I could make it work.

I can't. Seriously.

So even though I said from the beginning that only the VA could tempt me away from my job, and even though I SWORE I would never again work for The Evil Empire, I have accepted a position with them. I start on June 14th.

The good things are: it's a 5 minute drive, my caseload will be about 2/3 smaller, I know (and like) my supervisor and I can get clinical experience.

The bad things are: it's The Evil Empire and I will miss (miss, miss) the people here. Also? Again, EVIL EMPIRE, people. I'm probably going to get killed when The Rebel Alliance blows up The Death Star. Seriously.

(In an interesting note, I got my official "welcome to The Evil Empire" letter... there were typos. I'm just saying).

Maybe it won't be as terrible as it feels.

Sideways World

Anyone watching Lost this season?
(Worry not, dear reader, this is not a long fan-post, it's just a jumping-off point).

This season the writers have created this third reality that Michelle and I have been calling Sideways World. In their Sideways World, the plane never crashed on the island and the characters get off the plane and go on with their lives as planned... except that there are weird little things that didn't exist at the beginning of the series. One of the characters, for instance, suddenly has a son that didn't exist in the beginning. Confusing, I know, but that's what Lost is best at.

So it got me thinking about my own version of Sideways World and that has turned into this weird fantasy that occupies me at weird times. I start thinking about the people in my life and the people I have lost and I wonder where they would be in Sideways World.

Maybe I would not have met Jeff. Maybe I would never have gone back to school... maybe I would have three kids and my sister would be a doctor.

Maybe I would be living with a very sweet man who would make me laugh and bring me tea when I felt crummy.

Maybe I would be happier.

I have also been reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (read it, seriously, but read Eat, Pray, Love first) and she spends a lot of time talking about the glut of choices that we have in this society and how those choices are a blessing and a curse. For every choice we make there can be dozens of roads not taken, dozens of maybes. These "maybes" have the potential to make us completely insane.

There are some things in my Sideways world Fantasy that I know would be different... mostly small things, really, like my car would be new and I would have a maid and a hot tub... and there is the small matter of that very sweet man... but of the big decisions in my life I don't know what I would change.
Even my big mistakes had a purpose...

But I still find myself sitting in the back yard, listening to the sounds of my neighborhood settling in for the night and I think about how things are going in Sideways World.

Two Years

In some ways my life is so completely different than it was two years ago: job, mindset, perspective. I'm happier and more settled than I have been in a long time... which is weird for me... but in other ways I am just treading water.

There is no mystery or coincidence to the fact that the relationships I have had in the last two years have been with people who are completely unavailable. I am absolutely terrified of anything that might have a future, completely unwilling to risk that kind of dependence. I completely underestimated the emotional damage that my marriage caused.

I have forgiven him (for the most part) and I am working on forgiving myself... I am not angry with him anymore for not fighting harder, but I am still mourning the loss of that potential. We were supposed to have a life together and he was supposed to be the other half of me. I still don't feel whole without him.

But it's getting better.

I am healing and trying to grow... and some of the walls I built need to come down and that is scary.

Maybe in two more years I'll be ready to trust myself with a real relationship.

Or not.