Well... It was just a matter of time...

I'm frankly surprised it took this long...
But here it is, the Hermione hat from the new Harry Potter movie. (It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine).

What the hell did nerdy movie-loving knitters do before the internets??




Well... anyway...

I am up way way way too late... I have to be up for Grandma in a few hours and then Julie and Max and I are going to Kansas City tomorrow night to see The Fray. (Holy spur of the moment, Batman!!)
They had extra tickets and I have NOTHING going on... so off to KC I go!

I was very busy on Tuesday... I accomplished a lot of small things, like mailing back my Netflix (its been a month) and finding appropriate paper to print my study notecards and sending in my BSRB application and submitting some resumes in person.

I also had a sort of sad conversation with a member of the Girl Posse. It's been a rough couple of years for the four of us... and the hits just keep on coming. Seriously? If you don't have a posse? GET ONE. Now.

I still don't think that it is impossible to be happy and married, but then I also believe in the Loch Ness Monster. And Bigfoot. And Chupacabra (creepy little fucker).

And it's not just our little circle, marriages seem to be collapsing all over the place. Some are a surprise and some... well... not so much.

I know that friendships break up all the time too, but why is it that a long term friendship seems to be so much more likely to endure than a long term relationship?
Of course, what the hell would I know about long-term relationships??

Not Like I've Been Busy...

Still no job.
Still haven't cleaned my house.

The depression I thought would hit in mid-July, "right about the time I was getting settled into my new job" is here... just without the job. The rejection just fuels it, and my motivation is at an all-time low. I am trying to combat it with to-do lists and lots of scheduling myself out of the house. Because yesterday? I slept pretty much all day. All day.

And also? For fun? I really miss my husband. Not the asshole who was crazy and emotionally abusive, but the guy he was before that. The sweet guy who loved me. I miss that.

So if I haven't been a regular blogger lately it's just because WHINING IS BORING. Seriously.

I have read some good books...
Brooklyn by Colm Toibin
Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout
Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

I have been knitting... socks and a baby cocoon and a big, pink mistake-rib scarf.

I have seen movies...
Harry Potter (twice!!)
Cherie
My Sister's Keeper

No worries, dear readers. I'll be fine. Between the reading and the knitting and the Girl Posse I will snap out of this sooner or later.

I Totally Cheated...

On Twist...
I should feel guilty, but LOOK at my bag of loot!!!


I only bought stuff that Twist doesn't have... because if Twist carries it I must buy it there!!

I found

Lorna's Laces (in Mineshaft)


Crystal Palace Maizy (in Menswear)



Louet Gems (in Lilac and Sage)



Hempathy - for something lace... don't know what yet...

And (drum roll, please)



Koigu!!

I KNOW, right?!?
It was a good haul.

So there is still no job, and there is still no clean house, and there has not been any exercising... but there will be lots and lots of knitting.

Job Update the Third

There officially isn't one.

It was between me and one other applicant... and once again, the other guy won. In the second interview they actually said that they had applied for a grant that would mean that we both would be hired... but the grant apparently isn't happening either.

She was very nice and said nice things about how they were impressed with me, yada yada yada, but I just didn't have enough experience. Whatever. This position? Was an entry level position.
Dammit.
Rejection sucks. And job rejection is so much worse than boy rejection. After all, I have batteries and I can mow my own lawn. (Just because I don't doesn't mean I can't).
Two blocks from Twist I started to cry. Deb pulled me into the back room and gave me a little pep talk and then I spent a WHOLE bunch of money and then I knitted for a few hours. I even made jokes about how if that was my way to handle rejection that Shelly was goign to start calling my ex-boyfriends to have them call me to tell me how fabulous their lives are without me. You know, so I would spend more money.
Joking about it is a defense mechanism, but it helps.

Today is for feeling bad and tomorrow is for more job action.

I also went to Sam's Club and spent a whole bunch more money... BUT (with two exceptions) I bought stuff we use all the time at a good price. So that was good. (And one of my exceptions? The Shark steam mop. I have wanted one of those babies ever since I saw the commercial!!)

In other news...
I am going to a baby shower on Sunday, and last Monday I suddenly decided that I needed to knit a gift. You all know how great I am at deadline knitting. BUT I bought the yarn anyway and feel confident that I can finish on time.


I thought I could get by with one ball of each color, but I want to get through at least one more repeat, so I bought more today...

I also love this pattern (it's just entrelac) but there was another blanket shown in the pattern that used variegated yarn and didn't change colors. I liked the effect so much that I bought some Cascade 220 in dark blues, greys and purples to make a full-sized blanket for myself. I have been thinking about painting my bedroom a dark purple (in the same way that I have been thinking about cleaning and organizing my house) but this blanket will be perfect for that change.

And then there is this headache. I'm on day three - yesterday was the worst. I got sick and had to cut swimming short... and then I couldn't think of anything that sounded good to eat, so I was headache sick and hungry sick and nothing sounded good. Today was certainly better, but there is still pain there, and it's pissing me off. It slows down my knitting, cramps my social life and makes everything just a little more difficult. Like I need that.

BUT, The Fabulous Michelle came over tonight... I got takeout from N&J and we watched a John Cusack movie. And that was a very lovely way to end the day.

Job Update the Second

I did get the second interview. It's today at 1:30.
I know that this is the interview where I really should just relax and be myself because if they pick me now we're stuck together.
But I want it so BAD!! I want it to be PERFECT!!! SO I can't stop OBSESSING about what I want to SAY!!!
(I even researched "reference lists" so that mine would be perfect.

Sigh.

So everyone send lovely "NapLover is fabulous" vibes at 1:30, OK? Super.

My birthday was great... I had leftover cake for breakfast, then flourless chocolate cake at lunch with The Fabulous Michelle and then Lara made me a homemade-not-from-a-box chocolate cake that we had after dinner. That's a lot of cake. Who could ask for more?!?
Then Friday I had dinner with a friend, Saturday was World Wide Knit in Public Day and THEN an official meeting of The Girl Posse.
It was an all around good time.

I love when The Girl Posse meets because we always have a great time... for example, there was much enjoyment of the fact that IF I get this job I will be working for a convent. Oh yes. Me at a convent. They asked if I would have to wear a habit... and then The Fabulous Michelle said it would be the scorched one. Ha-freaking-ha. I'm not that bad!!

Anyway, I also hate it when The Girl Posse meets because it usually signals that one of our Girls is in trouble. She will totally be fine, but one of us has sustained a rather sizable blow. So we met to talk to her and make her laugh and remind her that we love her. And that she IS amazing and WILL come through this with grace and be more amazing than ever. (Yes, you will, so stop it).

It helps. And there isn't much more to do in these situations. Well, there are a few things I'd like to do with a bucket of ice water and a car battery, but there isn't much more that we can do LEGALLY in these situations.
If you don't have a Girl Posse, run out and get one. We are very handy. Some of us have tools.

Love you, honey... now get back to work before I tell your boss.

Job Update

I don't have one.
Thank you, and good night.

Seriously though... I had an interview today. She told me that 150 people applied for this job (that only required a Bachelor's degree). Of that 150 they picked me and 15 others to interview... they will make a decision about the NEXT round of interviewing by the end of the week.

And get this... one of the reasons I was picked was because they "had to know" how I made the leap from Operations Manager to Social Worker. It's not one of my more interesting stories.
I am hopeful that was not the only reason they wanted to interview me.

Also? All of the other 15 people have a Master's degree... so that doesn't even distinguish me at all.

Here's the worst part.
After meeting her and the other staff? I really want this job. It sounds like a perfect fit with my work style and interests. It is (literally) five minutes from my house. It would be really rewarding at least some of the time.

Dammit.

When will I learn to not want things?!?

Things always always come to you when you have decided not to want them anymore. Like men, for example.
Feast or famine.

That is all I have to report.

Happiness

There is a certain amount of levity that has become part of my life. It honestly surprises me. I find myself smiling a lot for no discernible reason. Knitting or showering or driving... every part of my day.

Could it be that I'm... what's the word... Happy?

With the lack of job (and consequently insurance) and the loss of the "non-platonic man friend" I should be sad and mopey... but I'm not. I realized last night - as I was trying and trying to sleep without sedative - that my anxiety and unease had everything to do with money and nothing at all to do with men.

On the job front, I feel so much more hope than I have felt in a long time. I have
an interview on Monday (working with victims of domestic violence - something I can be really passionate about) but even if that doesn't come together, all is not lost. There will be something, and with my continued frugality (stop laughing right this minute) I have a little more time before things become dire.

And it occurred to me that my relationship may have just been more trouble than it was worth. Worrying about it was pointless and exhausting. Who knew? (I mean, besides everyone else). I put way more into it than I got out of it. And THAT? Needs to fucking stop. That is my particular relationship quirk (how very Gemini of me) and every conscious effort will be made to alter this.
The last time I lost this particular boy I was suicidal. For months. But apparently I have changed more than I thought in the last ten years because now that the initial sadness has passed I just feel positively buoyant.

I keep checking these feelings, probing them, looking for some indication that this happy is just a brave face. I can find no such weakness.

I have worried over the last year or so, what things would be like once school was over - especially knowing that my relationship had an expiration date. People kept commenting that I must be excited to "get my life back." But that was not at all how I felt, since the life that I had 4 years ago bears no resemblance to the life I have now.

And I can say now that it is so much better - so much more clear and sweet than I thought my life would be. Add a job with benefits and I will call myself completely content.