Happiness

There is a certain amount of levity that has become part of my life. It honestly surprises me. I find myself smiling a lot for no discernible reason. Knitting or showering or driving... every part of my day.

Could it be that I'm... what's the word... Happy?

With the lack of job (and consequently insurance) and the loss of the "non-platonic man friend" I should be sad and mopey... but I'm not. I realized last night - as I was trying and trying to sleep without sedative - that my anxiety and unease had everything to do with money and nothing at all to do with men.

On the job front, I feel so much more hope than I have felt in a long time. I have
an interview on Monday (working with victims of domestic violence - something I can be really passionate about) but even if that doesn't come together, all is not lost. There will be something, and with my continued frugality (stop laughing right this minute) I have a little more time before things become dire.

And it occurred to me that my relationship may have just been more trouble than it was worth. Worrying about it was pointless and exhausting. Who knew? (I mean, besides everyone else). I put way more into it than I got out of it. And THAT? Needs to fucking stop. That is my particular relationship quirk (how very Gemini of me) and every conscious effort will be made to alter this.
The last time I lost this particular boy I was suicidal. For months. But apparently I have changed more than I thought in the last ten years because now that the initial sadness has passed I just feel positively buoyant.

I keep checking these feelings, probing them, looking for some indication that this happy is just a brave face. I can find no such weakness.

I have worried over the last year or so, what things would be like once school was over - especially knowing that my relationship had an expiration date. People kept commenting that I must be excited to "get my life back." But that was not at all how I felt, since the life that I had 4 years ago bears no resemblance to the life I have now.

And I can say now that it is so much better - so much more clear and sweet than I thought my life would be. Add a job with benefits and I will call myself completely content.