Work Sucks.

The other student is here today. I really enjoyed not having her here yesterday. She's out running an errand right now, so the office is blissfully quiet.
All day there has been a constant stream of chatter. High-pitched and whiny chatter. When I think about how many hours I have left with her it makes me really sad.

I have been sitting here wondering if this is what real jobs are like. I have had a series of jobs that are more or less non-traditional. Weird hours, different expectations and at the station I am salaried. The expectation being that I get my job done and move on. Here there are long swatches of time when I sit at my desk and do nothing. I surf the internets, I blog, I read, sometimes I knit... but there is no busywork, no list of things that I can do in my downtime.

Is this what real jobs are? It sucks. I know that once I graduate I will be working somewhere with similar expectations in terms of hours... but I hope that there will be more for me to do. I sit here and I think about all of the things that need to be done in other places. I think about the fact that sleeping until 10 or 11 would not at all change my productivity, only my geography. I think about the fact that I have people coming over tonight and my house is still sort of messy and I'm going to have to run around like a crazy person when I get off... and I'm just sitting here. It just feels really inefficient. And wasteful. And I really would rather do anything other than sit at a desk all day.
Yes, even clean.

I'm just whining because I finished my book and I have eaten my lunch and I'm having a really hard time staying awake.

Is it Still Monday or What?!?

This day did not have such a great start.

I woke up late and spent my drive into work begging and pleading and promising my firstborn child (sorry, Bean) to Verizon to keep my service going for another couple of weeks until I can pay the whole balance.

Then I got to The Vet Center and was reprimanded for something... and the word "lazy" came up, which you all know is a hot-button word for me. Especially given all that I am sacrificing (like a paycheck large enough to pay my Verizon bill) to BE here. Turns out, the person who was mad didn't realize that I had actually completed 90% of the task and was still working to finish up while the other student hadn't done any of it.

So I got an apology. And I got the last but of it done quickly. And when the person who was mad saw the work I had done she was impressed.
But "lazy" hurts.

And that stupid migraine that made me so sick on Saturday was back last night and there is a shadow of it lingering today. I just want to not feel like this anymore. I need to be more proactive about my migraine issues and stop just treating it when I get sick.
I heard about this book on NPR, and I like the author's holistic approach to thinking about migraines. It's not just a headache. It's a whole-body problem that has the potential to completely interrupt my life.
And it must be stopped.

What I really want is a nap... I know you're all shocked.

In GOOD news, last night when I got home there was a package from my Secret Pal already!! It had little bottles of Crabtree and Evelyn lotions and shower gel and stuff and it came in this cute little bag that is the perfect size for a sock bag. She also sent little post-it notes and Hershey chocolate-flavored lip gloss... and Bean absconded with those right away. So thanks, Pal!! Getting a little early gift has inspired me and I'm going to get a little something together for my pal too!!

Drat! Foiled Again!

Did anyone else hear NPR's warning about gift cards? Drat. Last year's Christmas List was full of gift carding... as was my wish list.

Though this Christmas does have a different vibe to it, and I think the difference is entirely tied to Bartleby. I am dealing with his death, but somehow (as heartless as this may sound) that is so much easier than dealing with him. He is much less insistent and easier to deal with on my own time. He takes so much less energy this year. Not so much anger. I feel more creative, more interested in things, more content.
So I find that I am less offended by Christmas cheer than usual, and that I am actually sort of excited about the holidays.

I feel like there is just more of me to go around.

And I think I might even be happy. (Don't tell anyone).

So Christmas shopping... right...

My gift card planning this year was more or less limited to iTunes, local businesses and massage by The Fabulous Michelle anyway... so it's really not such a huge thing for me, but I am constantly floored by the repercussions of this financial crisis.

My own financial crisis has taught me a lot about how and why I bleed money and what I can do about it and still be happy. It has taught me to be more thoughtful about my spending.
I want to be able to maintain my self-indulgent lifestyle of knitting and lunch dates and massage and acupuncture and movies and still be able to, you know, pay my mortgage and buy food for Bean. And I have found that I can do that... if I am less impulsive and accept the fact that just because something exists and I like it doesn't mean I have to own it rightthisminute... or even at all.

It still sort of hurts to type that... but I'm working on it.

Weekend Happy

That Bad, Bad Man's birthday was a success! He was happy with his presents and dinner was yummy. (Smoked pork chops with apples and onions, rosemary garlic new potatoes and strawberry banana cake. I sort of rule).

He did have some difficulty watching me cook without helping (and by "helping" I mean taking over), but he managed to stay out of my way for the most part.

We tried to see the new James Bond movie but it was sold out so we saw Role Models instead... and it was funnier than I expected it to be.
I had some yarny difficulties before the movie started (knots!! knots in my cotton!!) and when I got frustrated he took over and untangled my yarn so I could knit on my Clap through the movie. It is difficult not to love a man who will sit in a movie theater with a purple knitted scarf on his lap untangling a knot. I'm just saying.

I stayed up way too late, so I am sleepier than usual but it was worth it!!

Bean's first performance is tonight. She is excited and nervous and a little sad. They have been working so hard for so long that it's going to be hard for her when it's over. Also there's a boy (of course) who is in 8th grade so the only time she really gets to see him is at rehearsal so she's sad about that too. She is already planning to try out for the next play. While I am really glad that she is so excited about this I do worry about how hard she is working. On rehearsal days she is at school for ten hours and is soooooooo tired.

On the other hand, it does keep her busy and I don't have to feel guilty about working late.

Hope you all are having a lovely weekend too!

Birthday Top Ten

It's That Bad, Bad Man's birthday and I'm feeling all gushy and sentimental about him. In his honor I have decided to list the top 10 (PG-13 rated) things I love about him.

1. He is incredibly loyal and has shoulders big enough to cry on
2. He is a great cook and is willing to experiment
3. He likes movies (as much as I do)
4. His sense of humor - even when things are bad he can be silly
5. He is creative
6. He is a great father
7. He is gentle and sweet and kind
8. He is patient
9. He has he most beautiful eyes
10. And of course, my most favorite thing... he is bad. And also bad.

Happy birthday, Bad, Bad Man!! Thanks for being in my life.

Ernie Update

I did find Ernie.
He was in the den, um you know, just hanging out with my other knitting projects.
I am officially a flake.
I don't even remember taking him in there... but there he was.

And now the knitting part of him is done. Now to figure out how to put it all together.

6 Things

I've been tagged... and now I have to come up with 6 random things about me.
This blog is mostly random most of the time anyway... so this shouldn't be much different than a normal post!

Here are the rules:

Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Write 6 random things about yourself.
Tag 6-ish people at the end of your post.
Let each person know he/she has been tagged.
Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Six random things about me:

1. I am scared of really old people. There. I said it. Even working for Hospice for a year did not cure this. When I was very young my grandmother would take me with her to visit her dad in the nursing home and he always confused me with her as a child and would yell at me for things she had done. When I didn't go into the room with her I was mobbed by roving bands of ambulatory women who petted my hair and told me I looked just like their granddaughter. It was a little traumatizing.
I respect old people and can work with them, but my initial reaction is to back away.

2. I like living alone. I love having my space and I love that there isn't anyone else (besides Bean) that I have to consult with or talk to or deal with if I don't want to. That said, there is a one- to two-hour window in the evening when I feel really lonely and wish that there was someone (other than Bean) to talk to. I miss snuggling and joking with someone while watching TV. This isn't a new thing, and I was lonely in this way even when Jeff was alive so I know that this won't be solved by finding a boy to move in with me.

3. I suffer from gift-anxiety. I love to give gifts, and even if I find the perfect thing for someone - even if it's something they have asked for repeatedly I am worried that I should have done something else or that there is something else they'd rather have. Like Friday. It's That Bad, Bad Man's birthday and I think I have figured out what to do for him and I think he will be really pleased, but... what if he's disappointed? ACK!! And my brother's Ernie sweater!! (Which is done but for the seaming and the weaving in). I know that he asked for it and is really excited about it, but what if he tries it on and doesn't like it? DOUBLE ACK!!

4. I used to smoke pot... I know, it's shocking. Take a minute to recover.

OK.
I don't do it now because of random drug-testing. It's totally not worth risking my career over... but if it were legal? I'd be high right now.

5. Sometimes when I am driving I switch to a rap station and turn the volume waaaaaaaaay up. It speaks to my inner bitch.

6. Now that it's "officially" fall (that is to say, cold, wet and dreary) I am craving things like homemade chicken pot pie and thick, creamy soups and pot roast. Apparently what I need someone to come over every night and cook for me and then watch some TV with me after Bean goes to bed and then leave just after I fall asleep.

OK... so I'm supposed to tag 6 more people... If you're reading this consider yourself tagged!