The Best Part

Just before we got to the theater last night Bean said, "Don't worry mom, everyone will laugh... one way or the other." Rotten child.

I had a great time and I did NOT yell "monkey ass monkey ass" into the microphone.

The best part, though, was not the fact that people laughed (in the appropriate places) as I read my essay. The best part was not the opportunity to meet Jill Conner-Brown AND The Cutest Boy in the World. The best part was not how gracious Bean was - considering I was basically totally making fun of her in front of 250 people. The best part was not even winning SPQ Diva sunglasses and a free copy of her newest book.

The best part was how many people showed up to support me! I know that some of you wanted to be there and couldn't make it - especially since I didn't even know about it until the last minute. My parents were there (and my dad laughed so hard I thought he was going to pee). My little brother and his girlfriend were there. Andie and the rascally Doug were there. Kerri and James (aka Mr. Kerri) were there and Shelly was there.

I feel really gushy about it - especially now. Since the divorce became a reality (rather than a nice daydream) I have been made fully aware of how many people really are there for me. It is an amazing thing to someone with my self-esteem and social anxiety issues. I am humbled and awed and so incredibly thankful for all of you and all of them.

I am also a little bit addicted now to reading stuff and having live people there laughing along. It was sort of nice. There was some 80's sitcom where one of the characters received a music box that played applause when it opened. Everyone needs one of those.

Good Day!!! GOOOOOOOD Day!!!

Two things...

I taught myself to knit two socks at a time last Saturday... using this book... but when I got to the picking up of stitches on either side of the heel flap I got stuck. Bad stuck. Throw the yarn across the room and scream stuck. So I did what any knitter would do in that situation. I said "Well fuck you too then," to the book and the socks, stuffed them in my bag and pulled out my ONE sock on DPN's and knit rows and rows of k2p2 ribbing.
This morning I pulled the book out again, apologized to the socks and the yarn and tried it again. And I figured it out.
I am rockin' my socks now. Apparently I got sock A and sock B confused. My goal is to complete three pairs of socks using this method before the class in March so that I can work the weird out. I also talked to Shelly and suggested stitch markers that say "Sock A" and "Sock B." That would be helpful.

The second thing... If you haven't ever heard of the Sweet Potato Queens get thyself to the bookstore!!

The Queen Herownself is in town today to give a reading. She is promoting her new book, The Sweet Potato Queen's Guide to Raising Children for Fun and Profit. Watermark, aka The Best Bookstore on the Planet had an essay contest and I am tied for first place with another person and they want me to READ my essay on STAGE in front of a whole huge crowd of SPQ fans!!!! Holy CRAP!!

For the essay I used the story of how Bean shaved her arms - which you can find here if you haven't already heard me tell it.

So tonight I'll be telling it again.
On stage.
In front of a lot of people.
And my parents.

Seriously, I hope I don't fall on my face or get a spontaneous nosebleed or find myself unable to say anything but "monkey ass, monkey ass."

If you're not busy come join the fun!! Tonight at The Orpheum at 7:00. Get there early - I just found out that I'll be on between 6:45 and 7:00. It's $5 to get in - and that's a contribution directly to The Orpheum.
If you can't make it, just think of me at 6:45 pm and hope that I am vertical and coherent!

De Rage has dried up Denial

Saturday was one of those days that I just love. I woke up late, went to Twist, learned a new knitting skill and came home late. (I can now knit two socks at once!! Come to Twist in March and I'll teach you!!)
When I got home the husband was sullen and twitchy... which quickly turned to enraged and determined to fight. I did not indulge... and I just let him go. From a distance it was actually sort of funny. He said things like, "You haven't done anything to improve yourself since we got married," except get a second job and go to graduate school, and "It isn't fair that you get the house and I get an apartment," and it isn't fair that he has been living rent-free for the last eighteen months while I work two jobs and go to school. This went on for FOUR HOURS. (Another gem: "Even if we took this to court you'd win because you have a vagina. The courts always side with whoever has the vagina" - and also the job. The court likes to give houses to people who have jobs. So basically the courts like vaginas and jobs? Awesome.

Sunday was better. We actually had a conversation and were able to approach our divorce realistically.

Bean will no longer be going home to just him though. I'm taking her to class with me tonight and I have called in some reinforcements. Hopefully my brother's girlfriend will agree to spend some time with her after school on the days I have class. She's in college and does odd jobs for spending money... I was thinking about $30 a week for two days of either picking her up or waiting for the bus and hanging out with her until I get home at 7:30.

I just can't risk her walking in to him in a rage like that. Who knows what he would say. I don't believe he is physically violent, but his emotional instability has me on edge now that he really has nothing to lose.

On the proactive divorce front, I have opened my own bank accounts, set up my direct deposits, told my (first) ex-husband what is going on and started scouting for boxes for his stuff.

Dishcloth Swap Question of the Week

There are many people who ADORE receiving hand-knit or crochet items; but there are just as many who have no appreciation whatever of how much love, work, and time goes into a hand-made item. Share a story of a hand-made gift you gave to someone and how it worked out - good, bad, or ugly!

I used to work with a woman... we'll call her Megan. She wasn't one of my best friends, but we spent some time together after work and stuff. There were four of us who would sometimes go to a movie or get dinner. When Megan got pregnant we were all happy for her... I started a log cabin baby blanket as soon as she announced the sex of the baby, and we decided to throw her a baby shower. She wanted a FULL-ON baby shower. Not the kind of low-key, relaxed food and cake kind of affair that I would have wanted, but a shower worthy of her Junior League friends. We worked our asses off and spent WAAAAAAY more money than we could afford and we threw her a fabulous baby shower.
She said thank you and sent the appropriate thank-you cards... and then she went on maternity leave. She stopped returning calls and emails to all of us.
About a month later we all got emails announcing the birth of her baby. I had finished the blanket at that point so I waited a few weeks and then called her to set up a time to visit her at home.
When I got there she was in her room. Her brother let me in and then I sat in her living room for almost half an hour. Alone. Finally she came in with the baby. The baby was cute and she looked exhausted. I told her I wouldn't stay long. She opened the gift bag with the blanket in it, said, "Oh, thanks," and stuffed it back into the bag.
I chalked it up to exhaustion and didn't think much of it at the time... but I never received a thank you note... she never returned any of my calls.
She didn't come back to work and we all kept trying to get in touch with her - we were sort of worried about her, since she dropped off from all of us. About a year later, Andie and I ran into her at Target. She acted like nothing had happened and actually said, "Thank God for my Junior League friends! This year has been really rough."
We apparently weren't good enough to be her friends anymore. I wanted to ask her for my blanket back.

Holy Reality Batman!

The husband and I just had a rational, realistic conversation about him moving out.
And about the fact that he should just sign the house over to me and be done with it.

Wow.

It's the first time - ever - that we have had a conversation about these things that didn't end up with him yelling at me.

He also asked if I was seeing someone else. No, of course. But I have been waiting for him to go there... ("It can't be my fault that she wants me to go, therefore there must be someone else that she wants to be with"). He also said that there were now trust issues for him. That even if he managed to fix everything he was worried that the next time there were problems I'd start talking about divorce again. I felt that was a very understandable and appropriate thing to think about.

And he said he knew I was done.

I don't think this was all a dream... I guess we'll see.

But I finally feel like there is some hope. Not for our relationship, but for the successful and mature dissolution of our relationship.

First Day of Class!!

Yes, I'm a geek.

I have my handy dandy Trapper Keeper stocked with paper and I'm ready to rock. I even have new clothes. My first class is "Practice in Addictions," which sounded a lot more fun before I realized that the focus is abstaining from the object of one's addiction. Where's the fun in that?

(Note to self: there probably won't be an addictions show and tell, so you can remove the eight pounds of yarn and chocolate from your bag before class).

I know, there is nothing at all funny about addiction.
I'll move on.

Last night was a blast - I had some knitters over for chili and knitting and a good time was had by all. I might be more in love with my chili recipe than it deserves, but it's my dad's recipe and it is fast and easy and makes fab-o chili. The secret? Ground beef and boneless pork chops. Once the meat is all cooked through you cut the pork into bite-sized bits and it is sooooooooo good. It's even really pretty healthy and low-fat until you add loads of cheddar cheese and sour cream. (The secret to the "low fat" is choosing the right meat and then boiling it and draining most of the fat away before you cut it up and add the rest of the ingredients).

I did not get much sleep (again) last night. The husband stayed in the den, but I just couldn't get comfortable. While I wasn't sleeping I organized my swap information... which is to say, I'm in 2 swaps right now, so I made lists of my pals' likes and dislikes and thought about possibilities for their gifties. This is my favorite part of the swap process... I love the shopping for someone else part. I have some ideas for both of them. The swap through Ravelry is not an anonymous swap, and there are only two of us (out of almost 40 I think) who smoke. (Yay!!) Despite the fact that we both were adamant about the fact that we do not smoke anywhere near our fiber we were put together. Which is totally fine - she seems like a great gal. But those of you who have been in my house or out to dinner with me know that if you didn't know that I smoked you wouldn't know that I smoked. There's a secret there, too: no smoking inside. And also? I think I smoke a pack a week. A lady at work laughed at that and said I might as well not even smoke at all... and she's right. I would be willing to bet that as soon as the husband moves out I won't smoke anymore. But quitting when there is someone in front of you is harder than I'm willing to work.

And we've cycled back to a discussion of addictions...

"I'm OK!"

That's actually a family joke... Bean and I are, a-hem, somewhat less graceful than we would like to be. This started when Bean was very young - younger than two. You'd hear a crash and run into her room and she would have just dropped a stack of plastic dishes or something, so she started yelling, "I'm OK" every time there was a loud noise. The first time I flew with her she was 18 months old or so and the plane made a loud noise. She hollered. "I'm OK" and the passengers in the rows around us laughed.

Of course, I am a potty mouth. So when I drop something it's "Fuck! I'm OK!"

Anyway... I'm OK. I'm still a little shaky, but my temperature is back to normal and I'm back at work. The Dream Engineer is out right now picking up Tomato Bisque from the Best Bookstore/Cafe ever, and all is right with the world.

You know how I joke about "accidentally" ordering yarn? Well, it sort of caught up with me!
I was awake for a total of about 3 hours yesterday. Long enough to periodically refill my orange juice, take more NyQuil and check my email while it took effect. According to the emails that awaited me this morning, I also ordered a knitting book from Amazon and some yarn from The Loopy Ewe.
I have no memory of this.

I remember emailing back and forth with Sally, and I managed to schedule a training class with my boss at my other job (and even managed to put it in my planner) but otherwise? All blank. If I talked to you (or sent you a senseless email) yesterday I'm sorry... apparently my Id was more active than the rest of me!

Anyway, my swaps are firmly underway! I discovered that my dishcloth swap pal can not get a certain kind of inexpensive yarn that I can get here for cheap. I am thinking that she needs a big ol' box of it along with her other goodies!!

Also, school starts for me on Thursday!! Hoo-Ray!!!