Bring it.

So last night I was watching the local news. I really hate our local news people. They all are really smarmy and dumb. There is one woman who is ok - but she gets a lot of criticism because she keeps gaining weight, which I think is just mean. I've seen her in person, the camera is not kind to her. In real life she looks like a normal sized person. I can't even imagine what I would look like on the news.
But I digress.
So the weather guy - the one who looks like he seriously needs a xanax whenever we get serious storms - said that it was going to be near 110 degrees for the next couple of days and then we were in for some severe thunderstorms. The anchor said, "I'm not looking forward to that!"
As though we would not all trade this miserable, oppressive, deadly heat for a good old fashioned thunderstorm. Do they not understand that the what causes thunderstorms are cold fronts! Air that is cold. Cold air. There has been a lot of cloud to ground lightning - hell, our station has been hit three times this year - and there have been fires and stuff, but I say bring it. My house leaks if it even looks like rain. BRING IT. Hot air plus cold air sometimes leads to tornadoes. BRING IT.
I would so totally rather be crouched under a mattress in the hallway with the husband for the twenty minutes it will take for the tornado to say "oh, nevermind" than sweating night after night after night. And I HAVE lived through tornadoes. Lots of them. Big, dark, swirly, scary masses of dirt and air. If it means an end to this ridiculous heat I'm all for it.

Oven/House, House/Oven

Stupid little heat-trapping box of death. I swear to god. It was still 85 degrees at one in the morning inside my house. I gave up and turned the thermostat back up to 75 where it usually lives when we're home. It was finally cool enough for me in the bedroom (under the fan) by four or five. My husband went out for a bit last night and when he came home he said he was going to make a snack and then come to be to snuggle for awhile. My first thought was "Are you crazy?!? Do you want to die from heat exhaustion?!?" I was almost comfortable alone with the fan on high and the lights off. He tends to radiate heat - great in the winter, not so great in the summer. He made some little gesture that indicated he might want the snuggling to "progress" and I sat up, turned on the bedside lamp and said, "Unless you come to bed with a hundred or so frozen Otter Pops strapped to your body you'd better stay far, far away from me." He thought that was pretty funny.

But no Otter Pops.

He DID, however, come and let me show him some houses online. He is starting to get used to the idea that I'm not going to abandon this whole house thing - especially now that a bank has agreed to a specific amount. It's funny, though. The houses that we are interested in fall into two categories: "Wow what a great house, do you have to actually join the neighborhood gang? Or can we just pay them not to kill us?" and "Wow, what a sweet neighborhood, and look at that closet - oh is that the kitchen/dining room/living room?? My bad!"

There is one little yellow house that we like. It has two bedrooms and we were hoping for three, but it's in a nice neighborhood, has a big back yard and a huge kitchen with more cabinets than you can count and actual cabinet space. Thinking about buying a two bedroom house, though, is just another admission of defeat. Going back on the pill is not nearly as "final" as buying a smaller house than we would need for another baby. I know that it's over. I know that there are a lot of reasons to embrace the whole Bean-is-an-only-child thing, but nobody likes to let go. And I have been having pregnancy dreams. That's just not right.
But enough of that. The three-bedroom house that I am absolutely in love with is in a "transitional" neighborhood and it's on a pretty busy street, and although he's not thrilled about the location, the built in shelves and hardwood floors have convinced the husband to at least look at it.
Here's the thing. I want a little space, I want a larger kitchen, I want a yard my kid can play in without me worrying so much. I want a nice yard. I would LOVE a covered porch and a basement that doesn't leak but I think that might be asking for too much.
So far, my favorite part of this whole online house hunt is that some houses are shown with window-unit air conditioners. When it's still over a hundred degrees at eleven at night and the air conditioner is not keeping up with the heat, the LAST thing in the world I want to think about is a house with no central a/c at all. Someone should tell them to change the pics with the seasons!!

Ice. Please send ice.

It's around 109 degrees Fahrenheit. What the hell? And according to Al Gore this is the tip of the very quickly melting iceberg. My house works like a little oven and I know when I get home it's going to be hot inside, too and my husband is going to be sweaty and cross. Maybe there are things I can do at work... Except that I don't want to spend any more time than I absolutely have to here.
I know it's July but anything over 95 is mean and anything over 100 is just plain hostility.
I intended to go to the gym today... I really thought I'd be ready to go back. But I can't even think about moving my chair closer to the keyboard right now.
I need to clean my house, too (I know you know that). Even if we're not going to move any time soon it would be nice to have things packed up and put away nicely.
But it's so hot. I'm craving otter-pops, not to eat, but to freeze and arrange inside my pillowcase and under my sheets.
I am not even in the mood for ice cream - it's so hot that ice cream seems too heavy. Maybe I'll stop on the way home and buy a watermelon. And ice. Must have ice.

So I cast on for some fun little socks for Bean (finally). I'll post pics tomorrow if there's anything worth showing off. It uses the wrap and turn short roes and then you're supposed to pick up those wraps and I don't think I did it right. The insides seem sort of lumpy - not a food feel for a sock - so I might frog it back and start over. Luckily, they're the footie-socks that have very little knitting before you get to the heel. There is about a half an inch of k2,p2 ribbing, 2 rows of stockinette and then you're on to the heel. Very satisfying. I was only knitting for about an hour last night and was on to the foot part. I am still deciding if I want to frog and try again, though. I've tried this heel a few times before and I always end up frustrated and sockless.

One more hour to go and then I'm home. I need a long, cool nap... maybe I'll nap until bedtime and then just roll on over into sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all lately and it's really starting to show in this heat.
Is it fall yet???

Hottie Hot Hot

The forecast today calls for high temps over 100. I'm going to have to seriously rethink the whole "living close to my family" thing. That, or convince them that we should all move to Michigan. Although, I did recently see the Al Gore movie and maybe that's too close to the ocean.
Have you seen the movie yet? It's some scary, scary shit. If you're not an Al Gore fan you should still see this movie and try to get past the whole "Al Gore is too boring for words" thing long enough to listen to the science part of it. It's interesting, there was a special on Discovery that my husband watched and when I was telling him about the movie he said a lot of information from the Gore movie was also in the documentary he watched. The one thing to think about if you're one of those people who thinks global warming is an alarmist scam and even if there is warming it's not a big deal is that the ONLY people who think that global warming is a myth or at least not a serious and immediate issue are people without a science background. Scientists can't seem to agree on anything but gravity, evolution and global warming. I was ashamed to drive my SUV home.

Poor, poor Bean. This is the first weekend since my husband's new schedule started that she was home with us, and we both have to work on Sunday so she's at work with me. I hate having to wake her up that early (5:15) but I really can't leave her at home by herself. I was home alone at her age, and I think that she would be fine - she's responsible - but we don't have a home phone line. We each wanted our cell phones and when we did have a home line the only calls we got were telemarketers. Everyone who knows us just calls our cell phones. I know that she would probably just sleep until 11 and then I'd be home at noon but I just can't risk it. I complain a lot about my job, but not everyone can just take their kid to work when they need to.
She's at my desk, watching Pirates of the Caribbean on my laptop. We brought a pillow, blanket and bean bag chair so that she could nap... I'm so tired that I want to go up there and curl up with her.
I co-hosted a pretty nice baby shower yesterday... when I welcomed everyone I mentioned that we wouldn't be playing any shower games and there was this audible group sigh of relief. Does anyone actually like shower games?? They're so horrible. We had lots of food and beer and a cake that was really pretty and tasted good (how often does that happen for less then $50?) and it was a fun time (how often does that happen at a shower?). We did go around and offer advice to the new mom and then when she was opening her gifts we had people introduce themselves and say how they knew her as their gifts came up. The party was at Andie's groovy house and her husband took pity on Bean and the other 10-year-old girl there and took them to the park. He rocks.
I had "all the kids in the world" (my niece and nephew, 18 months and 6) for a few hours yesterday and they were both really good. The baby was not at all sure that she wanted to leave grandma's house with me, but once the other kids got in the car she was cool. Bean helped herd them around and we ran errands and got pizza. My nephew was more excited about the plastic toys that you can get for 50 cents in the machines than he was about the fact that he had to sit in his chair (not perch, stand or kneel) and eat his pizza (not just the cheese) if he wanted me to give him quarters. The baby just sat in her high chair, alternating between goldfish crackers and cut-up bits of my pizza. She hasn't found actual words yet, but the food was "Guh, guh, guh," and at Andie's house she looked out of the window and when she saw the dog she said something that sounded like a very muted "oh, the dog's outside" and when I asked, "do you see the dog?" she looked at me like, "Isn't that what I just said?" and nodded. The dog, Wookie, is the sweetest dog in the world but he's fluffy which makes him look big (and she's small, which makes him look bigger) so he scared her. My sister has a dog and my mom has three so it didn't occur to me that she would be scared.
I am sooooooooooooooo taking a nap today. I'm going to blame it on the heat.

Whatever.

I got to work yesterday at about 4:30. (Remember that Fridays are technically my day off - I *only* have to come in from about 5 to 7. I have a really short air shift and I take care of the automation for the night during that time). We still have an audio card out of commission from the last lightning strike so every day I have to load (in real time) a 2-hour locally produced show. No problem. He usually records between 10 and noon and on Thursdays and Fridays Andie loads it in for me so that it's ready to go when I get here. On Fridays, this person ALSO has a 1-hour show that needs to be loaded in. I had plenty of time from 4:30 - 7:00 to automate and load in a 1-hour show. Plenty of time.
When I got there at 4:30 he was on his way out. He said that he had just finished his show and it would need to be loaded in. "You've got plenty of time!" he said, not at all aware of what else I had to do. "Not really," I said, mentally rearranging my task list. I came in and immediately started his longer (and earlier) show and figured that if all went well I would be at work for an extra hour. It's not the extra hour that I mind. If he (or anyone else) had called me at, say, noon when he wasn't in to let me know I would have scheduled some afternoon time to get everything else done. I was irritated, but he doesn't necessarily know my schedule or what else I do - just as I don't know all of the things he does to get ready for his show. So I cooled down and then very carefully wrote an email - and I was seriously trying to not sound bitchy. Here's what I wrote and addressed to him and also to Andie (I have changed any identifying information - I'm not looking for a law suit!! This is part of why I don't put my real name or location in this blog):

It would be helpful if one of you would let me know next time that (Show One) won't be ready until later in the day - especially on those days that I am working only a few hours on my day off. There are a lot of things that I do in the production room during those few hours that I'm on the air beyond just loading in the show, and even I can't load three "real time" hours in the two hours I'm supposed to be here!! If I had known the show would be ready later I would have been in earlier this afternoon to load in (Show Two) and finish downloading the rest of the programming for tonight and tomorrow. As it is, I'm stuck here at least another hour or so - not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it could have been avoided. Hopefully the sound card will be fixed soon and loading in (Show One) and (Show Two) won't be an issue, but even then, considering how nuts my schedule is going to be for the next couple of months any changes in the routine could really become problematic. Anyway, just please make sure someone calls me when the routine changes so that I can plan accordingly!

Not unpleasant, right??? Seriously... let me know if you find anything bitchy about it. Here's what I got back from him:

I had a funnel [sic] to attend and I had no notice. However I did leave you a note on your desk and I changed my taping time on the door. Yes maybe I should have e-mailed you as well. But I have been a bit distracted by the death of my friend. Don't get your nose out of joint with me, I did try to reach out to you.

Hey, nobody likes funerals. I can really understand that my schedule was not on his mind at all yesterday... I did not find a note at my desk - which doesn't mean there wasn't one, I just can't find one. And did anyone else hear the unwritten "young lady" before the last comma?? I wrote back:

I apologize if you thought I had my "nose out of joint," I thought my email was fairly pleasant. I am very sorry that you had another funeral today, I know how tough that can be. The problem is that when things change on a day that I am off, I am not at my desk to see a note or read an email. I work 40 hours a week but never 9 - 5 and with my work at Hospice starting in the next few weeks my hours will only get more irregular. The point of the email I sent to you and Andie was that with the schedule that I have it's really important to call me when things change. Andie was not aware that tonight's show was not already in the system - she thought you must have recorded ahead when she didn't see you this morning. If you either don't want to call me or don't have time, you can certainly have K- call me and let me know.

Sure, I was irritated that he was making such a case about it. I'm the operations person, he's the dj, I should be able to send him an email without it becoming a battle. This is not the first time a simple email has turned into this kind of exchange. He really thinks highly of himself and generally treats people like Kleenex. I think that he doesn't like that he doesn't impress me at all and he really doesn't like that he is not in any kind of authority position. So here's what I get back:

I also told Andie at 2:30 that I was late taping, maybe she should have called you as well. The point is no one is trying to mess up your day. And it is not that I don't want to call you, I have been in a rush trying to console other people and have not had the time to do much of anything. As far as your note, I have been in business along [sic] time and I know when a note has an attitude. Let's take 5 steps back and try again. I am sorry I did not call you and I did not mean any harm.

Better, right? Sort of? He's still getting his digs in, but I can certainly see where he's coming from. Then he has to screw it all up by accusing me of lying about whether or not I intended to have an attitude. I slept on it - well, I didn't really sleep last night for various reasons and I consequently woke up late and so far this day is in the toilet - but the point is that I gave it some time. Here's what I sent this morning:

I know that yesterday was emotionally difficult for you and I really do apologize if there was something in my first email that made you think there was an attitude. It was not addressed to just you - I addressed that first one to you and Andie and she responded by saying that she would make sure to call me next time. I really meant it to be that simple. I never meant to imply in any way that I thought anyone meant to inconvenience me - what I said was that in the grand scheme of things it wasn't a big deal last night. In the coming weeks, however, my flexibility will be changing dramatically, and that someone needs to call my cell phone as soon as possible if there are going to be changes to the schedule.
I know that you did not mean any harm, you did your job (the show was done in what I know you assumed was plenty of time), Andie did hers (she says she thought you had taped ahead and it didn't occur to her to call me), and I did mine (all of the shows made it on the air). I just want to make sure that the lines of communication are open. This situation hadn't come up before and I'm just trying to make sure that there aren't future problems.

So we'll see what I get back this time. I'm done, though, unless he sends something really ugly. Then I'll forward that on to someone higher up than I am and they can deal with it. I understand where he's coming from, and while I was irritated at the extra hour I certainly wasn't irritated enough to be unprofessional about it... Or do you think that first email was as bitchy as he seems to??

I'm really trying to take the higher ground, but it just irritates me when people assume I have the worst intentions. I try - for the most part - to give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to remember that I have my shit and they have their shit and we all have to look just a few inches beyond our own shit when we're dealing with other people.

And seriously, if I wanted to show him attitude? It wouldn't be at all subtle or pleasant and I'd probably get in a lot of trouble.

Target's hiring, right? Everyone's happy at Target, right?

All Hail the Soccer Mom

Seriously. You have no idea. (Unless you happen to be a soccer mom, that is).

Yesterday, in the 100 degree humidity that has engulfed our poor state (along with a few others from what I see on TV) I had a list of things to do. It was a relatively small list: take bean to camp at 9, fill out HR paperwork at Hospice, Pick Bean up by noon, work for a few hours, haircut, work, Andie's house for final baby shower planning. Not bad, right?

Because of the heat, every time we left the car we'd go from sort of cool to hothothot and then into the icy air of our destination. Then back to hothothot and then into the car, which was HOTTERHOTTERHOTTER until the a/c could catch up, which was usually about the time we arrived at our next destination.

Here's how it actually worked:
9:00 Bean to camp.
9:15 Arrive at Hospice sweaty because it's already in the upper 80's and the a/c has a lot of heat and car to compete with. Brush hair furiously and search back of car for clean paper napkins so I don't arrive in the nice HR lady's office looking like I just got done at the gym (as if!)
9:30 Nice HR lady finally has time to see me. Spend ten minutes signing my name to various contracts.
9:35 Nice HR lady says, "Now you have to go for your drug test." I say, "Okay" trying to look innocent without looking like I'm trying to look innocent. I am innocent, but there is something about that kind of thing that makes me feel like I've done something really wrong. She says, "Do you know where the hospital is downtown?" I say, "Yes, I do." She says, "Good. The building you want is just down from there. It's the white building with the parking lit next to it." "No problem."
10:00 Finally get downtown, past the trains that run through the middle of the city several times a day. EVERY SINGLE BUILDING around the hospital is white. I looked for one without any words on it and finally found the right one.
10:30 Leave feeling sort of dirty. It's hotter now and I'm sweaty and I'm starting to feel like maybe there's something not quite right with my bladder. Call doctor's office and beg for an appointment that will fit in my schedule. Offer to see anyone - ask if the janitorial staff can write prescriptions. In the "good old days" I would get that not so nice feeling, leave a message for my doctor and in a few hours a prescription would appear at Walgreens. Now the insurance companies get twitchy about that. I don't get it. I know what a bladder infection feels like. Anyone who has had more than one knows what it feels like. I don't think I should have to waste my doctor's time! They can fit me in at 3:45. Bless them.
10:45 Get to work, start downloading the evening's shows, check email, spend about 30 minutes filling in for Andie so that she can go to a meeting. Glasses place calls, Bean's glasses are ready. Mentally add that to the "to do" list.
11:45 Leave work, pick up Bean and head to the salon. Mom calls and says that there are skirts on sale, if I pick some out she'll buy them. I tell her I'll try to get there today. (Mom works in a hospital that has a gift shop that sells all kinds of things you wouldn't expect to find in a hospital gift shop).
12:20 Arrive, talk to the receptionist (the owner's daughter, I've known her since she was a little older than Bean is now), she brings me a diet Dr. Pepper - which elevates her to goddess level.
1:30 Bean and I have new haircuts and are cooled down significantly due to our hour rest at the salon. Head to the eyeglass place. Realize halfway there that I forgot to pay for my haircut (we were talking), promise to come back by this afternoon and mentally add that to my "to do" list.
2:00 Leave eyeglass place - her glasses look SO cute with her little haircut. She's all funky and cool now. Head across the street to our favorite bookstore/cafe for sandwiches and iced tea. Bean starts whining that she wants to go home. I think about what we have going on for the rest of the day and I sigh. We are starting to get a glimpse of Bean at Thirteen - sullen and uncommunicative.
2:45 Head toward the hospital, call mom, arrange to meet outside her office. Bean is seriously flagging by now. Her sandwich was not "big enough" and she didn't like her soup. Plus, I ran into one of my favorite english professors and spent a few minutes catching up and talking about books (she agrees with me about how poorly written most biographies are - score!!). Bean sulked at the table - not in a snotty "smack the crap out of you if you don't knock it off", more like a quiet "she might be shy or tired" kind of way - but I knew what she meant.
3:15 Leave the hospital (ran into some of mom's co-workers and talked with them for awhile. Bean's patience is thin. Tissue thin. But god love her, on the outside she looks serene and polite. Run home, grab her gameboy and drivedrivedrive to the west side of town.
3:45 Arrive (on time and starting to cool off) at the doctor's office. Wait. Feel very glad that Bean and I both have books to read and feel sort of relieved that there is a wait because it means we can sit in the same, air conditioned place for more than 5 minutes.
3:55 Get weighed. Cry a little on the inside and think about the diet I'm ignoring and the exercising I don't have the energy to fit in. Feel bad about myself.
4:20 Leave the doctor's office. Drive back to work, stopping by the salon to drop off a check and the pharmacy to drop off my prescriptions.
7:05 Leave work, stop by pharmacy, drive to Andie's house. Andie and Kerri and Andie's husband are sitting on the front porch. (?!?) It's 97 degrees and humid and they're sitting outside. Bean looked at me like I was totally insane. "Want to go home," she whine/whispered. I sent her inside to watch TV. We talked for awhile outside for about an hour (2 beers), went inside for a bit and then went to dinner.
10:30 Arrive at home. Bean made a beeline for her bedroom, I made a beeline for my bedroom, we both changed into clean, cool pj's. Bean went to bed, I had a cigarette with the husband (who had a much rougher, more frustrating day than I did) and went to bed.

Some people have days like that every day. I'm glad I'm not one of those people. I like my long periods of inactivity!!

Attention deficit

I don't know what my problem is today... I still have that headache and I've been dropping stuff. I also am finding it very difficult to stay on task. I almost lost interest in posting just waiting for the computer to boot up! I have two different knitting projects (washcloths and a baby blanket) next to me along with two books (Mockingbird and The Devil Wears Prada). I keep switching between the four things about every twenty minutes or so - about every two commercial breaks (is anyone else excited that the new Project Runway starts tomorrow??). I've tried to nap, but I can't focus on sleep long enough to relax...
So please forgive me if this rambles along, doesn't make any sense, and/or is terribly boring.
I am really worried about my sister. Actually, I am really worried about what effect the choices my sister makes (or refuses to make) will have on her kids. I worry that these babies won't know what it means to be stable and safe. She's in a "not ideal" living situation and despite the talk we had a few months ago, and despite the serious offers of real help my parents and her mother are offering (she's my step-sister) she won't make a move. They have handled it really well - I hope that I can handle difficult situations with Bean the way my parents have always handled difficult situations with us. They step in long enough to say "wow, you've gotten yourself in quite a mess. Here's what we'll do to help but here's what you have to do to help yourself." They get that there is a fine line between helping and enabling and I totally dig that. But I worry about the kids (six and 20 months - oh and the next one is due in September). It's so ironic. We tried for years to get pregnant. Years of temperature taking and fertility meds and thousands of dollars that we'll never get back - which would have totally been worth it if we had a baby but now seems foolish and wasteful. If we could get that money back we could put a very nice sized deposit down on a house.
ANYWAY. No baby for us - the stable, happily married couple. But the unmarried, unstable nightmare of a duo that can't afford rent (but can, somehow afford a new big-screen TV) are having babies like kittens. (But I'm not bitter. Swear to god).
So I'm worried about her and I'm worried about my practicum (which starts in twenty days, not that I'm counting). I think I've mentioned that working in radio means you either lose or never attain an office-wear wardrobe. I have twenty days to find appropriate shoes and clothes. I have twenty days to obsess about not fucking up, not spilling something on my new clothes, not falling on my ass in front of clients and not breaking any office or hospital equipment.
I think we've already established that I'm not good with new situations. I am much better at dealing with things and people and events when I have a pretty good idea what I can expect (and what is expected of me) before I get there.

Enough anxiety for one post. I'll close this with a funny... I saw a t-shirt online yesterday. It said:

Scarf Ace

"Say hello to my needle friend"

That's funny as hell, and I hate puns.
I'll try again tomorrow to find something interesting to say...