Shock

I can not effectively express my shock and anger and sadness today.
I could write for days and never really get to the heart of how I'm feeling.

There is safety for all women when Choice is protected. Today, in this city, a man was killed because he made protecting women his life goal. He was gunned down in front of his church because he provided safety and comfort to women who made a difficult decision.

I feel less safe now that he is gone.

What do we do now? Where do we go now that this brave, gentle man has been taken from us? Where do we take our sisters and best friends in crisis now? Who will keep them safe?

One man with a gun and a misguided sense of right and wrong has damaged us all.

Birthday

Today is Jeff's birthday... he would have been 32.
Two years ago right now we were at a Cubs game and it gave me this big wave of hope that carried us through another couple of months.
Because he loved me... even if it wasn't enough to make a difference.

When I talk to Bean about it I remind her that he was happier with us - even at the end when he was altered - than he had been in the rest of his life. With us he was a husband and a father, two things he never thought he would be. And (in the beginning) he was funny and sweet and smart...

So for his birthday I thought I would do the thing that is always hardest for me... remember some of the good things.

1. When I couldn't sleep at night he would come in and curl up with me and rub my back and stroke my hair until I fell asleep.
2. Before my first KIP meeting I panicked and almost didn't go and he gave me a pep talk and made me take that first step.
3. I had no idea what a picky eater he was for a long time because when we were dating and I cooked for him he would try everything.
4. After my HSG he brought me home and put me to bed and then gave me lunch, Loritab and Ben and Jerry's Karmal Sutra. In that order.
5. During out pre-marriage counseling the pastor asked us about whether we were planning to have more kids. Before I could say anything he said, "It would be great, but we have an amazing daughter already."
6. He took care of his mom - doing her laundry and mowing her lawn and hauling things around for her. Even when she was horrible to him. Even at the end when it must have been painful for him to even walk.
7. He always made an effort to be sweet to Bean... even at the end.
8. The day we got married he stood on the other side of the wall from me and held my hand until it was time to start.

OK. That's all I can do today. I loved him, and losing him to his mental illness and alcoholism was the hardest, most horrible thing I have ever gone through. But I miss him. I miss the life we could have had - should have had.

Finished!!

Socks are done!!

Pretty!
I entered them in the Twist Final Friday competition. (Come by and vote for me!!)

I'm starting a new pair of Tidal Wave socks in a bit. They're for a friend from high school... I promised her a pair of socks on Facebook, so I thought I ought to follow through.

Bean survived her last day of school. She even has a "replacement crush" for the boy who is moving on to high school next year. (Forehead smack).
It's going to be a long summer.

We're going to hang out this week and then her dad will take her for a week. It's a nice balance.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself this summer though. Hopefully there will be a job, but with no school and no relationship to occupy my time I may have to resort to cleaning or something.

Surely it won't come to that.

Poke, Poke, Poke

My neck is better, thanks in large part to the ladies at Bohemia. Kali is my hero. I told her about the last two months of my life and she was sweet and nurturing and lovely - and then she put about a million needles in me and made me feel better. She "activated my protectors" and "opened my hope threshold." Or something.

Apparently every man is not an island, apparently every man is an emperor and every man's body is an empire. And there are seven protectors guarding the empire. And mine have been sleepy.

So she woke them up. With needles.

Speaking of needles, I a almost finished with my challenge socks. I'm excited!! I honestly don't care about winning... but it just feels so good to have a goal and reach it on time. (Ask me how I know).

I'm torn now, between picking up a WIP and starting a new pair of socks... of course, I could start a new pair of socks and pull out a WIP. It's not like I'm a one-project-at-a-time girl anyway. Clearly.

I also started the Jane Austen reading challenge tonight. Which is not to say that I have actually started the book... but I went to the first meeting and that has to count for something! And Andie was there and Deb, and "Noro Lady" from Twist and also a woman named Carol who is from a small town near here and the reason I know that is because I saw her knitting and practically forced her to sit with us.

Because I can be pushy like that.

With all of this free time I should have the whole book done already, along with the Literary Feast book, but I haven't really made a dent in either. I've been sleeping mostly. And knitting. And watching television.

Nothing to See Here...

I pulled a muscle in my neck... so have been sort of quiet and restful the past few days.

I'm still working on my sock - it has to be done by Final Friday if I'm going to get in in the contest so I'm trying to balance resting with knitting.
It's a hard life.

New stuff...

That Bad Bad Man is no longer bad, or bad. He's just gone, and also gone. And that's OK.

I signed up to take a sewing class... and I got measured and bought fabric. The fabric store lady said that by the end of class I wouldn't be afraid of my sewing machine anymore. We'll see.

I got my hair cut. Way cut. The girl I went to hesitated so long that I offered to make the first cut myself. She was afraid I was going to cry. I was like, "Sweetie? It's just hair. And mine? GROWS." That next morning in the shower I was washing it thinking maybe I should have gone shorter.

I had a nice lunch with one of my favorite husbands yesterday and found out that his best friend (someone I know tangentially) is sick. ALS. That kind of sick. He's still working and not many people know yet, so I'm fighting the urge to call him... but I think that blanket I was making for That Bad Bad Man has a new mission.

And now I am off to Mom and Dad's house for steak and swimming.

Kai-Mei

I am learning a lot knitting these socks.

My first lesson was to stop over-thinking things.
This pattern is written for one sock at a time and I love the 2-at-a-time plan. It does not allow for the knitter to get tired of the pattern and only knit one sock, which for me is a good thing. Ordinarily there is no problem, but these socks are unique, and the instructions are different for each sock.
I tried to write out step-by-step instructions to deal with the fact that 2-at-once puts stuff out of order.
It frustrated me. A lot.
So I decided to just jump in and start.

It all made sense when it needed to. I just had to stop thinking about it so much and just do.

The second thing I learned was that a knitter can always trust the simple beauty of a Cookie A. pattern. It looks complicated and tricky, but in the end? It's a simple 8-line repeat that is elegant and graceful and perfect.

Third, and actually fourth and fifth as well...
I had a needle blow out just as I finished one of the lace edges. I immediately started reloading the dropped stitches onto the blown-out needle and Deb ran over and found a replacement needle.
I saved the stitches and moved on.

So third is: bad shit happens. It just does.
Fourth: having someone nearby who knows exactly what you need is vital to success.
And fifth: after the bad shit happens you can move on. You can replace lost stitches. You can still make it work.

I promise.

Graduation

It's all over, folks... last paper written, I have been ceremonially hooded. I am now officially NapLover, MSW.

I thought I would have more to say about it...
But really I'm at a loss for words and thoughts and feelings.

I'm just sort of numb.

My backburner issue has burned out, I didn't get the job last week so I'm still on the hunt for a job and I'm waiting for one more letter of recommendation for my BSRB license so I can take the exam.

My plan for next week is to start swimming again, study for the exam and clean my house in bits and pieces. I have even put "get out of bed" on my To Do list every day. This depression I thought I was in for around mid-July? I think it's here now.