Goals?? Resolutions??

Ok... the blog world is packed full of posts like this. Sorry.

There are the obvious ones: make better food choices and exercise more, stop smoking, spend more quality time with Bean, pick up after myself and train other family members to do the same, clean on a schedule.

There are the intelligent ones: do all of my homework - including the reading in a timely manner, read each book club book twice and research the book BEFORE the meeting, stop buying yarn/yarn books that are for projects I'll never even start.

There are the personal growth ones: learn to forgive myself, host more dinner parties, learn to cook something complicated.

~~BUT~~

Why do we feel the need to reorganize our lives (if only mentally) every year and why does it not work? Ever?? Is it that the beginning of a "new year" causes unrealistic idealistic visions of ourselves that we feel compelled to achieve? Buying as new house caused something similar for me. Moving in I kept thinking, "No more dishes in the sink EVER!!! We can keep the dishes clean all the time now that we have a dishwasher." Guess what's in my sink right now. Just guess.

I think I'm going to try to subscribe to the "change one thing" mentality. Every month I'm going to try to change one thing I don't like and see if at the end of the year I have made anything that resembles progress. We'll see.

One thing I am going to try is Project 365. My plan is to start another blog and post a picture and a caption for every day... could be fun! Could be really, really boring.

Things My Husband Can Never Know

1. Shortly before we started dating I made out with our friend Joel. It wasn't a big deal and it didn't "go" very far, but it would make my husband uncomfortable if he knew so we just don't talk about it.

2. I don't really like jazz. I try to, and I can appreciate some jazz-related things, but on the whole I'd rather listen to the Winnie the Pooh soundtrack.

3. I went to Sam's Club today. I was hungry and alone. Let's just say that if you're in need of crackers, tuna, brownie mix, cheese, peanut butter, cream puffs, those clear plastic nacho trays, trash bags, mini candy bars or mechanical pencils just give me a call.

Post Christmas

Is anyone else relieved that Christmas is finally over?

Everyone seemed really pleased with their gifts. I bought my dad a shirt that says, "I'm kind of a big deal." It made him laugh and he wore it all Christmas Day. I didn't see my sister but my mom reported that the kids all liked their presents.

The husband bought me a nice necklace and a season of Gilmore Girls. I bought him a Notre Dame sweatshirt and some CDs and some pj's and a book. I also bid on some Notre Dame posters for the den and won but they haven't gotten here yet so he doesn't know. He felt bad because I bought him so much more than he bought me... but since I ordered something for myself every time I placed an order online I assured him that I was fine. More than fine. Ahava bath salts and knitting books and a CD and yarn. I probably spent more on myself than on everyone combined! Oops.

Christmas Eve in the new house was fine - the whole family (minus my sister) came over - even my mother in law was there. The house was clean, my curtains were hung by my dad the day before and the cats were in good spirits.

Christmas Day I worked until 3 and then took a looooong nap. The husband and I played video games (I got The Sims 2 for the PC, he got some wrestling game for the Playstation. We can now sit in the den together and play mindless games for hours) and then I made spaghetti. While I still can't take a day off from work I have managed to only go in for a few hours at a time. Today I slept until after 1. Life is rough.

I went to Target (love me some Target) the day after Christmas and bought the LAST wreath storage box. I also picked up a huge Rubbermaid container to store the tree. It was sort of a madhouse (shocker). Soccer moms and old ladies running wild with 75% off signs fluttering like confetti around them. It was something.

I did not finish Bean's shrug. I sewed one sleeve and it's too tight for her. Crap.
Also, the collar was a little off center. Double crap.
Well, I'll try again some other time... I do love the Knitpicks superwash. I will measure her fully and start the sweater pattern I bought so many months ago.

I just lack the motivation to do anything right now. I'm tired but not ready for sleep, I'm bored but I can't concentrate on my book, there isn't anything on TV and I don't want to clean. As much as I love time off and sleeping all day I really do need structure in my days.

The husband has gone back to work. He still hates it but I think it's good for him to get out of the house. Lord knows it's good for me to have him out of the house. Seriously. Not to mention the paycheck. I do wish he would find another job that wouldn't make him so crazy, but I think that he is still trying to figure out who he is and what he wants from his life. His dad's main goal in life was to take care of his family and keep them comfortable. I think that he wants so much to be like his dad and he's just trying to figure out how to do that.

Christmas Already?

Seriously, it doesn't feel like Christmas Eve is tomorrow. My tree is up, presents are (mostly) wrapped, and my house is so close to being ready for the family to come over. There is candy in dishes and little snowmen all over the house. There is special soap in the bathroom and pretty hand towels.

I am so tired. My husband has hurt his foot (again). And between the pain and immobility and the raging grief he is running me into the ground. And I can't show frustration with him for any of it. He is so needy right now... and he hates being needy. So he's grief-stricken and grumpy and needy and like, four of the other seven evil dwarfs. Just call me Snow.

And I have this cold/flu thing. And all I want to do is sleep.

I need some cheese to go with all the whine, right? It will get better... once his foot is healed and we can deal with just the grief it will be better. Grief is so complicated and this is the first real batch he has ever had. And losing a parent is complicated - regardless of age or relationship.
I took some time off this week to be at home with him, and I feel a little guilty right now because it is sort of a relief to be at work.

My parents are coming over today to help me hang my curtains and finish the house for tomorrow. They are so great. My dad has been really great with the husband - his dad died eleven years ago and it was really difficult on him. He hugged the husband the other night - it was sweet and awkward and unexpected.

I was feeling sort of bad because dad said I should patch things up with my sister. (Why me? I did NOTHING wrong, damn it!!) I decided to be the bigger person, (the GROWN-UP, drippy head) and called her about two weeks ago. She didn't call back so I called again last Monday. I basically said, "Hey, Christmas Eve at my house, hope you can come. You didn't call me back so I can only assume you're still mad at me... I wish we could get past this but that's up to you." So she calls back that night and says, "I didn't call back because I was BUSY. I have PLANS Christmas Eve so I won't be there. I'll be at mom and dad's Christmas Day." Her tone was cold and snotty. I'm done worrying about it. Even dad says I've done what I could do.

I'm trying to be FRICKIN' MERRY but it's FRICKIN' EXHAUSTING!

I keep reminding myself that what my father in law always said when things were bad - even when his cancer was spreading out of control and his arthritis was so bad he couldn't walk. He always said, "Somebody out there has it worse than me." And he was right. This year brought a lot of grief and sadness, but it also brought a lot of good things.

1. We bought a house. Wow. Something we thought we were YEARS away from.
2. Our marriage is stronger than ever. If we can come through the things we have in the two years we've been married we can make it through anything.
3. Our daughter is sweet, creative, smart and funny.
4. I am closer to my parents than I was a year ago.
5. I still have a 4.0 in grad school, so all of my hard work and sacrifice is really FOR something.
6. The Democrats KILLED in November. Party on party!

That's all I can come up with right now... but coming up with six whole things is a huge achievement these days.

Have a good Christmas everyone, and let's hope that 2007 doesn't suck.

Cats! The Home Version

This is Serena's initial reaction to the new kitten. As you can see, she is not at all pleased. She is hiding in the laundry room as far under the futon as she can get. She hissed and carried on like a drama queen if anyone came in the room.


Then she moved on to the dining room chairs. From this hiding place she could watch the kitten (and the humans playing with the kitten) and still remain aloof. We have made some progress since these were taken... she has stopped hissing every time the kitten is in the room and she has actually allowed the kitten to approach and sniff.


I was allowed to touch her today for a few seconds.
She even managed a purr or two.




So what foul creature has caused all of this fuss?





This is the kitten in question. Her name is Sammy and she really is a sweetie. No wonder Serena hates her.



Who could resist this wubbie face??

Diversion

We got the kitten on Thursday night. Her name is Sammy and she is the sweetest little ball of purr I've ever seen. I would have a picture of her, but she moves so fast and is so intrigued by the camera that I can't get a good shot. Serena is... well... pissed off and not shy about it. She hisses anytime she sees the kitten and growls if she gets too close. We kept them separated for a few days and allowed supervised visitation for a few hours at a time. Serena is no threat to Sammy, as she runs away and hides if Sammy approaches too quickly.
Serena is officially not speaking to anyone in the family. We refer to this as the "teenager cat syndrome." My parent's cat Toby did the same thing when baby Tigger appeared. Occasionally Serena will allow a few seconds of chin rubbing or ear scratching, but there is no purring, there is no sleeping at the foot of the bed, there is no drooling. I am actually ok with that last one.
Sammy has provided my husband with a little diversion and a little kitty comfort. It has been such a good thing for him.
He is hurting in a way that I can not even imagine - he's not even 30 yet and his dad was only 63. How do you deal with the loss of a parent? Also, my husband is something of a late bloomer - and by that I mean that until about 3 years ago he was living in his parent's basement, drinking his way through college and working at the station as a student ($6.75 and hour). Now suddenly he's a husband and a dad and a homeowner. This whole "grown up" thing is hard to get used to... and now he has this responsibility to his mother and his father is gone. I imagine he feels like there is no net below him, no light to guide him and a lot of unbalanced weight on his shoulders.
The kitten, though, is giving him moments of laughter. She climbs on him and settles next to his ear with her loud purr, she chases her tail and the other cat and shadows. Last night we were talking and he was very sad and in the conversational pauses where I would be saying "Uh huh" or "oh" she was "murrping." Does your cat do that? It's a cross between a meow and a purr. He couldn't help but laugh, which made her roll around and be cute. I'm so glad we got that kitten.
Bean picked out another kitten originally. A tiny, jumpy little thing. Sammy is about 4 months old and is much more sturdy and settled. As I was getting ready to complete the adoption with "Muffin," Bean said, "Mom, there's this other kitten I like." I was sort of annoyed because just five minutes before she was certain that "Muffin" was the kitten for us. But picking out a kitten is not something you want to rush. She took me over to Sammy's cage and Sammy stretched out on her side, sticking both paws between the bars. She murrped and closed her eyes and purred. "Wow," I said. Bean nodded and said, "I know."
When I left this morning, the husband was asleep (finally) and the kitten was curled up on him with her chin sort of tucked into the side of his neck. I could hear her purr from the door. I believe that cats sense moods and I believe in the healing powers of purr. When I was about twelve weeks pregnant with Bean I was on bed rest for spotting. We had two cats (the small one was 20 pounds) and they stayed beside me purring the whole time I was in bed. They would position themselves so that they were on either side of my hips with their heads resting on my tummy. When they moved it was one across my tummy and one across my thighs. They were protecting the baby.
Now Sammy is "in charge" of the husband. I know that a kitten will not fix the hurt and sadness that he is feeling, but she is doing something important and I love her for it.

My father in law died last night. Hospice was with him - we arrived soon after. It is so hard on my husband and his mother, but for him it's better that it was over so fast.
I don't have much to say about it or anything else today. The funeral is Tuesday...