In the Dark and Snow

I don't think it's over-dramatizing things to sat that my drive to work this monrning was terrifying. That's looking back now, after 5 hours have passed and there is light outside.

I needed to be in my office by 7:00, so I woke up at 5:30. You know me, unless I'm still up at 5:30 I don't want to be anywhere near awake at 5:30.

It was snowing and dark and the roads were covered with snow. There wasn't solid ice, but the slushiness of the asphalt made it slick, and I had a big green sled when I was a child that had better traction than my big green truck. The biggest issue was the falling snow. It wasn't heavy, really, but in the dark snow is a whole other beast. The way it was blowing - slanting to the right without any light but my headlights made me feel dizzy and a little disoriented at times, and for most of the drive the center lines were covered so I couln't even find my bearings at times. I was really afraid I was going to just drive right off the road into a field.

I slowed down and turned my radio off and kept breathing.

I was afraid to pull over - what if someone slid and hit me? I was afraid to pull off the highway - what if fear and panic wouldn't let me get back on?

I kept thinking, "I don't know how much longer I can do this." And I meant I didn't know how much longer this morning I could continue to force myself to keep driving. And I meant I don't know how much longer I can continue to make this drive... I know that I either need to move closer to work or work closer to home.

And I think I also meant that I am tired and the sadness that had lifted in early fall is starting to close in again and it makes me so physically tired. This morning in my car in the dark and the snow I wanted more than anything to go back to those dark days of last summer when I couldn't get out of bed. And feeling nostalgic about that was scarier than the weather.

I guess I just take it slow and careful like I did this morning. Keep breathing and stay between the lines as much as possible. Find the quiet and the calm... and avoid the trucks that thunder past, spraying me with mud and ice.

Except That I'm Too Tired to Breathe

So the good news is that I didn't have to use any of my precious few "PTO" hours for my sick day last week.
The bad news is that I have been working marathon hours. And not entirely on purpose. I even dream about clients. Seriously. All night. You'd think I could get some time off while I'm in my jammies at least!!

I don't even have a coherent narrative of what I did today... I know my day started with hastily gulped coffee for strength on my way to an appointment with one client and ended with an lesson to another client on how to use Amazon.com to buy used Sweet Valley High books (a lesson which I am uniquely qualified to teach). Somewhere in the middle I had to coax another client onto the bus by pretending to play "Red Rover" with him. And there was Valentine Bingo and dodge ball (heh heh, oh yeah). And there were several hours of paperwork and phone calls.

Tomorrow morning I have to get up and do it all over again.

And I'm too tired to breathe.

I'm not complaining, really. Four jobless months let me know that I am lucky to have this job. And I love it... but I do need to get a handle on my schedule. Even if I hadn't needed to make up 8 hours I would have been working these hours just because of how appointments were scheduled. I don't want to burn out. And I need to be home in the evenings before 8.

I also need to organize my kitchen and shopping list so that I can embrace all things Crock-pot.

Bean has been a real trooper. Last night I was back in time for her concert, so I haven't ENTIRELY abandoned her to the wolves. (Or, you know, cats).

I need a snack and I need a pillow.

What a week.

One of my clients died suddenly in her sleep, so the entire week felt surreal and gasping. I've only been at the company for four months (holy cats has it only been four months?!?) but I had a lot of one on one time with her. She was funny and caring and sweet and I am lucky that I got to know her. Tomorrow is the funeral, so I'm heading back to Mac in the morning. She had just survived cancer... and she had a cold last week, but otherwise appeared to be fine. Some of my coworkers had known her for more than ten years, so it's been rough on everyone.

I was also sick this week, sick enough to take the day off on Thursday. M died on Tuesday and all day I felt like I was going to throw up. The shock of it, and the increased adrenaline. Wednesday morning my head ached and my arms and legs felt leaden. I attributed this to grief... and the absolute last thing I wanted to do was face the other clients. My responsibility was to comfort them and help them through it... but I just didn't feel like I had the energy to deal with it.

Wednesday when I got home I made dinner (french bread and mozzarella grilled cheese with marinara sauce - my nummy twist on grilled cheese and tomato soup) and then went right to bed. Seriously. At 7:30.

When I woke up on Thursday my head was pounding and I was dizzy and everything hurt. I rarely call in sick - I don't have enough leave built up, and losing 8 hours somehow puts me more than 8 hours behind. But I slept and I slept and I slept, and then I had a restorative Icee from Walgreens... I do SO love Walgreens, and now they're even better what with the Icees and all.

This morning I felt better - not quite 100%, but good enough to make it through meetings and the metric ton of paperwork involved in the death of a client. Since I have to be in Mac tomorrow anyway I'm going to work a few make-up hours. While I hate working on Saturdays it will keep next week from kicking my ass!!

So laundry tonight... it's such a glamorous life I lead.

Potential

I am a relatively happy person.
(Shut up, I am too).
I have a great kid, my friends are amazing, I love my job. I am proud of my accomplishments... I am busy more or less every weekend. I have a full, lovely life.

So why do I suddenly feel validated just because there is a boy who is flirting with me?? It just seems so wrong. So "Young and the Restless." So pathetic.

But I can't help it... he's smart and funny and sweet and adorable. Sigh.

I have found that there's a difference between potential relationships at 24 and 34:
24 says, "Wow. If this goes the way I think it will this guy could be the one. Maybe we'll get married and have lots of sex and babies!"
34 says, "Wow. If this goes the way I think it will this guy could be the one I finally buy a duplex with. Because I do NOT want to share living space with a boy. But next door would be convenient for spider smashing, movie watching and sex."

Before those of you who are rooting for my sex life get too excited let me just say that nobody is having sex at this point. This is all just flirtation and conjecture.

We have been friends for a thousand years but somehow he does not violate the "no relationships with boys I went to high school with" OR the "no relationships with anyone I've dated before" rules. Also, he's never been in the military and we don't work together...

I'll keep you posted.

Fine in '09

This time last year my mantra was "I hate 2008, I'll be fine in '09!"

I have been a little down lately (no huge surprise considering the time of year) and there have been some struggles (financial and emotional):
The four months I spent out of work and hiding in bed.
I am home alone on New Year's Eve watching a ridiculous Rob Lowe movie circa 1988.
I spend a car payment on gas every month, causing a chicken/egg dilemma regarding the need for a new car.
I did not lose an ounce or an inch all year.
I did not make any of the much needed repairs to my house.
I did not organize anything and my house is still a mess.

So with the failings of the year in mind, here is a list of the good things about 2009:

Finished my Master's degree
Found a job in my field that I really do love
Just got a raise
Quit smoking
Finally got that bad, bad relationship out of my system
No longer taking anti-depressants
Bean's depression is under control
Bean and I are still close
Finished a sweater
Didn't GAIN any weight
Helped Mom take care of Grandma
Donated six trash bags full of clothes

Even considering the fact that I bottomed out for a few months in the middle this year has not gone by without some accomplishments and happy things. It was sort of surprising to me how many things I could think of, and how many of those things really are amazing.

So all in all, I was "Fine in '09."

Alas and a Lack

I did not finish my mom's sweater.

I know.

I did block the front and back, and I did get close (thanks to the fact that I was able to leave work early on the 23rd and I knitted more or less steadily for about 10 hours. Yes. That is ten. Hours). I am waiting until Saturday to say for sure - I want another pair of eyes on my measuring skills - but I think I need to buy another ball of yarn. I'm hoping that will just be for the seaming, but I have a sinking suspicion that it will also be for the button band. I'm hoping that the dye lots are similar enough that it won't matter. As a back up gift I bought her the first two of the Twilight saga books, and a big bag of Twizzlers. Her birthday is in the middle of January and I WILL have it finished by then. And a matching pair of socks... I'm not crazy, they're already halfway done.

I did finish my brother's hat, and he looks so great in it!

Christmas was nice and quiet... My uncle did finally recover and was home in time for Christmas, my sister and her kids were in Kansas City, and for the first time since my divorce Bean was with me Christmas morning. It was pretty much perfect. I was supposed to see my dad Christmas day, but he bailed. The shock was heard around the world. Whatever.
I slept a lot (more shock)... and that was pretty much it.

I know that being partner-less during the holidays depresses some people, but I found it just made things easier. This was the first Christmas in more than 10 years that I wasn't in any kind of relationship. I expected it to make me feel sad or lonely or something.. then I realized that last year I felt disappointed and alone and spent a lot of needless money on a boy who didn't appreciate it and wasn't worth it. The year before I was contemplating divorce and the year before that my father-in-law had just died.

I could go on but I won't. The point is that sleeping in and watching all of the Star Wars movies on Spike and sleeping some more really isn't so bad all things considered.

I wasn't jubilant... and I certainly was low on Christmas Spirit... but the last three Christmases have included a lot of crying and this one didn't.

So maybe my lack of partner isn't such a lack after all.

Keep Knitting, Hope for the Best

I have most of my Christmas shopping done.... but then, my list gets smaller and smaller every year. No in-laws, no significant other, (no insignificant other) - and my sister seems to have stopped giving birth. For now.

She did tell me not to worry about getting anything for her kids this year if money is tight... but I did anyway. Not because I'm such a great aunt or anything, but because I bought presents for my brother's dogs and I thought that might seem bitchy to buy for the dogs and not for the kids.

Just another illustration of the structure of my family.

I am almost finished with the hat I'm making for my brother. It's the same pattern as the Jayne hat, but I just used a variegated green yarn. I'm done with the actual hat part, but I need to finish one more ear flap and then add the pom pom.

And the sweater. Oh, the sweater.

I lost a lot of prime knitting time yesterday because I was with my mom most of the day. My uncle had a kidney removed on the 17th, and while he came through the actual surgery ok, he's been really sick since. Yesterday was a particularly bad day for him - it was sort of scary there for awhile. Today he's been out of bed and mom said he was talking to people - which he hadn't been able to do before.

I'm knitting the sleeves 2-at-once and I have about 7 inches done - just eleven more to go. Sigh. Tonight when I get home I'm going to start blocking the front and back. It's technically possible to get this done on time, but I just don't know if I have the stamina.

Last night I was asleep by 10... and I'm working late tonight and tomorrow with the hope that I can leave early on Wednesday to avoid the crazy-yucky-bad weather coming this way. And also run my last few Christmas errands.

If I can get the sweater started in the blocking process and knit 11 inches in two days I can sew the whole thing together on Wednesday and put the buttons on in PLENTY of time for Christmas Eve. I'm just so wiped out by the time I get home and I really just want to eat something fast and crawl into bed!

I haven't given up. I'm going to just keep knitting and hope for the best.