Potential

I am a relatively happy person.
(Shut up, I am too).
I have a great kid, my friends are amazing, I love my job. I am proud of my accomplishments... I am busy more or less every weekend. I have a full, lovely life.

So why do I suddenly feel validated just because there is a boy who is flirting with me?? It just seems so wrong. So "Young and the Restless." So pathetic.

But I can't help it... he's smart and funny and sweet and adorable. Sigh.

I have found that there's a difference between potential relationships at 24 and 34:
24 says, "Wow. If this goes the way I think it will this guy could be the one. Maybe we'll get married and have lots of sex and babies!"
34 says, "Wow. If this goes the way I think it will this guy could be the one I finally buy a duplex with. Because I do NOT want to share living space with a boy. But next door would be convenient for spider smashing, movie watching and sex."

Before those of you who are rooting for my sex life get too excited let me just say that nobody is having sex at this point. This is all just flirtation and conjecture.

We have been friends for a thousand years but somehow he does not violate the "no relationships with boys I went to high school with" OR the "no relationships with anyone I've dated before" rules. Also, he's never been in the military and we don't work together...

I'll keep you posted.

Fine in '09

This time last year my mantra was "I hate 2008, I'll be fine in '09!"

I have been a little down lately (no huge surprise considering the time of year) and there have been some struggles (financial and emotional):
The four months I spent out of work and hiding in bed.
I am home alone on New Year's Eve watching a ridiculous Rob Lowe movie circa 1988.
I spend a car payment on gas every month, causing a chicken/egg dilemma regarding the need for a new car.
I did not lose an ounce or an inch all year.
I did not make any of the much needed repairs to my house.
I did not organize anything and my house is still a mess.

So with the failings of the year in mind, here is a list of the good things about 2009:

Finished my Master's degree
Found a job in my field that I really do love
Just got a raise
Quit smoking
Finally got that bad, bad relationship out of my system
No longer taking anti-depressants
Bean's depression is under control
Bean and I are still close
Finished a sweater
Didn't GAIN any weight
Helped Mom take care of Grandma
Donated six trash bags full of clothes

Even considering the fact that I bottomed out for a few months in the middle this year has not gone by without some accomplishments and happy things. It was sort of surprising to me how many things I could think of, and how many of those things really are amazing.

So all in all, I was "Fine in '09."

Alas and a Lack

I did not finish my mom's sweater.

I know.

I did block the front and back, and I did get close (thanks to the fact that I was able to leave work early on the 23rd and I knitted more or less steadily for about 10 hours. Yes. That is ten. Hours). I am waiting until Saturday to say for sure - I want another pair of eyes on my measuring skills - but I think I need to buy another ball of yarn. I'm hoping that will just be for the seaming, but I have a sinking suspicion that it will also be for the button band. I'm hoping that the dye lots are similar enough that it won't matter. As a back up gift I bought her the first two of the Twilight saga books, and a big bag of Twizzlers. Her birthday is in the middle of January and I WILL have it finished by then. And a matching pair of socks... I'm not crazy, they're already halfway done.

I did finish my brother's hat, and he looks so great in it!

Christmas was nice and quiet... My uncle did finally recover and was home in time for Christmas, my sister and her kids were in Kansas City, and for the first time since my divorce Bean was with me Christmas morning. It was pretty much perfect. I was supposed to see my dad Christmas day, but he bailed. The shock was heard around the world. Whatever.
I slept a lot (more shock)... and that was pretty much it.

I know that being partner-less during the holidays depresses some people, but I found it just made things easier. This was the first Christmas in more than 10 years that I wasn't in any kind of relationship. I expected it to make me feel sad or lonely or something.. then I realized that last year I felt disappointed and alone and spent a lot of needless money on a boy who didn't appreciate it and wasn't worth it. The year before I was contemplating divorce and the year before that my father-in-law had just died.

I could go on but I won't. The point is that sleeping in and watching all of the Star Wars movies on Spike and sleeping some more really isn't so bad all things considered.

I wasn't jubilant... and I certainly was low on Christmas Spirit... but the last three Christmases have included a lot of crying and this one didn't.

So maybe my lack of partner isn't such a lack after all.

Keep Knitting, Hope for the Best

I have most of my Christmas shopping done.... but then, my list gets smaller and smaller every year. No in-laws, no significant other, (no insignificant other) - and my sister seems to have stopped giving birth. For now.

She did tell me not to worry about getting anything for her kids this year if money is tight... but I did anyway. Not because I'm such a great aunt or anything, but because I bought presents for my brother's dogs and I thought that might seem bitchy to buy for the dogs and not for the kids.

Just another illustration of the structure of my family.

I am almost finished with the hat I'm making for my brother. It's the same pattern as the Jayne hat, but I just used a variegated green yarn. I'm done with the actual hat part, but I need to finish one more ear flap and then add the pom pom.

And the sweater. Oh, the sweater.

I lost a lot of prime knitting time yesterday because I was with my mom most of the day. My uncle had a kidney removed on the 17th, and while he came through the actual surgery ok, he's been really sick since. Yesterday was a particularly bad day for him - it was sort of scary there for awhile. Today he's been out of bed and mom said he was talking to people - which he hadn't been able to do before.

I'm knitting the sleeves 2-at-once and I have about 7 inches done - just eleven more to go. Sigh. Tonight when I get home I'm going to start blocking the front and back. It's technically possible to get this done on time, but I just don't know if I have the stamina.

Last night I was asleep by 10... and I'm working late tonight and tomorrow with the hope that I can leave early on Wednesday to avoid the crazy-yucky-bad weather coming this way. And also run my last few Christmas errands.

If I can get the sweater started in the blocking process and knit 11 inches in two days I can sew the whole thing together on Wednesday and put the buttons on in PLENTY of time for Christmas Eve. I'm just so wiped out by the time I get home and I really just want to eat something fast and crawl into bed!

I haven't given up. I'm going to just keep knitting and hope for the best.

Parenting 101: You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em

Bean had a choir concert on Tuesday night.

She told me about it on Monday. My brain started the clicking that indicates schedules and flight plans rearranging themselves. (You've seen Pushing Tin, right? It's like that but without the literal explosion at the end if something goes astray).
"Yes," I said, "Okay, fine... just make sure you have everything you need together so that you can be ready when I get home."
Any other moms recognize that request?
Anyone know what follows??

"Okay, I will."
I think she even actually meant it.
You know... at the time...

Tuesday she texted me when she got home and I texted back and reminded her to get her choir stuff together.

"I'm all set!"
I believed her.

When I left McPherson I sent her another message, "Heading home, be ready in an hour!" I didn't worry too much about the fact that she didn't reply - I've told her that I really don't want to be texting and driving, especially on the highway. (I'm a safety girl!!)

I got home in PLENTY of time to pick her up, grab some takeout and be at school by 6:50... but when I got inside she was asleep on the couch. And not in her choir clothes. At this point the Angry Mommy inside me was making some low growling noises. BUT since she had assured me that she had her stuf together I hushed the Angry Mommy and went into my room to retreive my knitting. I gave her about five minutes and then I went out to check on her.
She was wearing a tank top and her black skirt.
That's it.
"Where's your shirt?" I asked.
"I'm looking for it." She said.
Um...
But I quieted Angry Mommy again as she pulled it out from under a stack of clean clothes. She put it on and started looking for her shoes.
"Tights?" I asked, tightly.
"I can't find any."
"It's ten damn degrees outside. Find tights or wear pants." Angry Mommy was rubbing her hands together and practically jumping out of my skin.
Deep breath in...
"I'm going to be in the car. Come out when you're ready."
A few minutes later she was in the car, wearing tights (footless) and black shoes and her black skirt and her white shirt and a hoodie.
Through somewhat clenched teeth I asked, "Where's your coat?"
She looked at me blankly. I experienced one of those twitches that make your vision go black and fuzzy for a few seconds.
"Coat," I said, plucking at mine in example. "where's your coat?"
"I don't have one."
Twitch. Angry Mommy had her hand up and was yelling, "Oooooh!! Ooooh!! Call on me!!!" I again told her to shut it.
"Yes, you do," I said out loud, "I've seen it. I, in fact, purchased it for you."
"Oh that one. It's on the couch."
I decided to just "letitgooooooo" and put the car in reverse. Well, I almost let it go... as I backed out I muttered, "Because the couch is so cold??"

Halfway to the school I said, "I probably don't even want to know if you have your bow tie, do I."
"Probably not," she said quietly.
Angry Mommy had given up.

Calm, reasonable Mommy said, "Number one: next time I ask you to get your things together please actually do that before you tell me that it's done. Number two: next time we need to be somewhere and you decide you're sleepy please gather all of your things together and then set an alarm before you lie down. And if you think you're not going to be able to keep track of your things so that you can show up at the concert, on time, well-groomed and wearing the expected clothing then don't sign up for choir."

And with that my little dumpling nodded, got out of the car and ran into the building while I parked and found a seat.

The concert was great... my kid was not the only one with footless tights...
And then we went to IHOP.

Shocky

Just outside Newton this morning my car started to fishtail on the ice. I wasn't going very fast at all, several cars had passed me already. I started to spin, each revolution showing the Coca-Cola truck behind me that much closer. I don't think I even made a sound. I had enough time to wonder if it was possible to spin completely off the road and then drive away... and I decided that no, I would probably not drive away if I spun off the road, and I would definitely not drive away if I couldn't get myself out of the way of that Coca-Cola truck.
Somehow - luck or fate - my car came to a stop facing the right way in the lane next to the lane the truck behind me was in. I pulled off the road for a few minutes, letting the truck and several other cars pass me before I ventured out again.

Newton is more or less halfway between work and home, and it occurred to me to get off at the next exit and turn around and go home... but I knew if I got off the highway just then I wouldn't be able to make myself get back on.

I knew taking a job two counties away would be tricky when the weather got bad. I knew I was going to hate the scary slow drive. And it was scary and very, very slow for the rest of the way.

I'm in my office now, shaking and drinking a lot of water. And Coke. Seriously... because the sugar is good for shock and also there is something in Coke that works for nausea.
And also because it is kind of funny.

I already told my boss I'm leaving early today - hoping to beat the late afternoon re-freeze... but the truth is that I don't want to leave at all. I don't want to get back into my car. I don't want to get anywhere near the highway.

I have a few hours to get over that feeling.

So keep thinking good thoughts, for me and the rest of the travelers today, and drive safe, kids!

And it is December...

I know it's been awhile... I have things to say, but then when I actually have time to write I just play Mafia Wars on Facebook instead. (Srsly? Join my mafia!!)

My life has been pretty boring lately, really - and I'm not complaining about that at all. Really.
Boring = no drama. I love no drama.

Work, knit, sleep, shower, rinse, repeat.

I do wonder if I'm suffering from some sort of second adolescence, though... My hormones are TOTALLY out of control (how you doin'?) and by the end of the day my face is shiny and it looks like I haven't washed my hair in days.
(I feel so pretty).

Thanksgiving was fine - though my mother? Needs to just letitgooooooooooooo. About a lot of things. And she also needs to realize that if option one is to call me and ask me to do something and option two is to NOT call me and then complain about it all day she should really pick option one. Because I would MUCH rather get out of bed at 7am on a vacation day and run a 30 minute errand than to hear about it for the rest of the day. She did apologize for harping on and on (and on) about it the next day... but really? Even with the apology? Wake me up and let me just take care of the situation.

Dinner at Andie's was, of course, the best part. (And I'm not just saying that so I'll be invited back next year). Great food and sparkly conversation...

The only bad thing was that I missed Jeff this year. A lot. Which is weird, because he hated Thanksgiving and we fought about it every year. He always wanted to stay home and eat Spangles (because they're open on Thanksgiving) and I always wanted him to husband up and come with me to mom's and then Andie's. He always won, because taking a sullen man to a party is worse than taking no man at all.

The only thing worse than loving a guy who doesn't want you is loving a dead guy.

And the only thing worse than that is loving both of them.

And the only thing worse than that is blogging about it like Eeyore.

Happy Holidays!