Fait Accompli

I slept most of the day yesterday... trying to ward off this stupid sinus infection. My whole face was throbbing and I was dizzy and achy. Today is better.

Because I slept so much I was up WAY earlier than usual - 7am. I know, right! It's almost like I'm almost a real person with a life and everything.

I made Boeuf Bourguignon. Yup. At 7am.
But it felt really good... Julia Child really did create an amazingly well-written cookbook, so it was a lot like knitting a Cookie A pattern. It looks incredibly difficult and fiddly, but really it's just a matter of trusting the instructions.

If you decide to make it... and you're anything like me... one of the final steps is to strain the cooking juices and reduce it for the sauce. While you're reducing the meat and buttery mushrooms and bacon are just sitting there in the pot blinking at you all seductively.

I thought, "Well, I should try it... you know, to adjust the seasonings if I need to." Oh. My. God. It was so good. I had to put the lid on it so I didn't eat all of the beef!! Next time I'm making it ahead like this I'm going to put a little extra beef in it so that I can have that for lunch and then again for dinner!!

So I actually accomplished something.

Interviews and French Cookery

So my computer died Monday... it refused to recognize that it was plugged in and the battery died. So I wiggled the cord around and tried a different outlet and left in plugged in for 24 hours in case it decided to work on its own.
Nope.
So I took it in to the Geek Squad.
Who plugged it in.
And it was magically fixed.

Also had a job interview today... its someplace I've worked before and I'm not thrilled about returning.
But in the last few days I have checked my bank account balance, suffered through another un-medicated sinus infection and applied for jobs at call centers and (get this) a funeral home. Oh yes. A funeral home.
So if they offer me the job I will take it.
I am doubtful about this one, though. I didn't really feel like I connected with the interviewers... and didn't have my filter all the way on, because when he asked why I was interested in this position my first answer was, "Because it's open."

I have another interview next week at an agency in another town. I would have about three hour daily commute, but that's why we have audiobooks.

Last Friday Andie and I saw Julie and Julia... go see it. I read the book a few years ago, and am currently reading My Life in France. I love Julia Child, her outlook is so practical and funny at the same time. So, of course, I had to run out and buy Mastering the Art of French Cooking, a Dutch oven, and the ingredients to make Boeuf Bourguignon. I'm not going to even pretend that I think I can cook like this every day... but there is something beautiful about cooking something that takes more time and effort than I usually apply to food. I think we're going to be making it tomorrow... and I will be posting pictures of the results.

I'm also going to learn to poach an egg. I don't know why.

Otherwise things have been the same... Bean is home this week, which makes things better just because I can't be as mopey and, you know, asleep when she's here. School starts on Monday, so we're gearing down from flighty summer lack of schedule to a more regulated series of days. I think that will be great for both of us.

Time to figure out what to have for lunch then take a nap.

The Way Things Are

There is nothing cheerful or funny here... so if that's what you're looking for just move right on along. Maybe come back in a few months.

It's been almost a week... we haven't been to the gym once. What a shock. Bean and I both had cramps for three of those days so there was less than no motivation there. But really, I'm having difficulty with figuring out the point of even getting out of bed.

I did go over to mom and dad's to help paint today and that was sweaty work. I forgot how physical painting really is. Especially their room. They knocked out a wall and made the master bedroom HUGE. I swear it's not much smaller than my entire house.

I also heard back from the BSRB... I can apply for a temporary license until I take the exam, which is good, and that gives me some time before I have to take the test. My plan is to take it at the end of August, and to study two hours a day until then. I wonder if I'll actually follow through on that. I'll probably stack up my books and stuff and move them around the house about a thousand times, intending to do something with them. I don't know why I can't get my shit together. (Yes, you do.)

OK. Yes I do.

Depression is a bitch. I have been feeling a lot of rejection lately: jobs, friends, boys. I honestly do not know why anyone would ever want to hire me, fuck me, talk to me or spend any time with me in any way at all. I don't even have anything interesting to say anymore. I was at Twist on Thursday and said, apropos of nothing, that I had been watching Three's Company late at night. There was no follow up anecdote or observation about it, just "I've been watching Three's Company." I'm losing my grip on my crazy. It just reinforces my instinct to stay at home, which just makes it worse.

And I know that my friends are worried about me. I am too. So I'm not fishing for reassurance. I'm just venting... because I kept NOT writing anything here because I had nothing to say that was positive and then I realized that it might be awhile if I kept that up.

It's been three months and even Comcare doesn't want me. It's possible that the
license will actually help, but then that's what I thought about the degree.

It's been three months and really thought I was over the boy. I hated the person I was with him, and he hated the person I was with him. I needed him to love me, he needed me to leave him alone... so really I am better off alone than wanting something that was never going to happen with someone who was never going to love me. And I was OK with that... until I saw him last week. I miss the stupid asshole. There is something that has been between us for years (and years and years) that doesn't seem to go away. And then he goes away and I get really comfortable thinking that there are just some feelings that I'm not going to have anymore... and then He shows up and I am twenty two again, standing in the sleet and not feeling the cold at all because his arms are around me and he is telling me that he loves me. And I believed him. At twenty-two and at thirty-two. Hopefully by the time I'm forty-two I'll be smarter. Or at least stronger. Or more medicated.

Bean and I went to the store today and bought running shoes and workout clothes... of course, we were too hungry and tired to go to the gym after, but baby steps, y'all. We're going tomorrow before swimming.

This depression is not going to fix itself, and I can't afford therapy, so I'm hoping that taking care of my physical health will be a good step. I'm also back on the Weight Watchers wagon, day 2 and going strong!! Though I'm finding that it's easy to stay on points if I just sleep every time I feel hungry.
Seriously, my new favorite snack is low fat cottage cheese with sunflower seeds sprinkled on top. Cereal and soy milk is also good (and filling).

I find, though, that the minute I start thinking about any kind of diet my brain screams out for fried foods and cheesecake and peanut butter. It's sort of like quitting smoking, I guess. (Which I have done already this summer. Something about being out of school and losing a dead relationship made smoking less necessary!)

So one day at a time, one craving at a time.

What Comfort Zone??

I have had quite the random week...

Usually I live in this little world of safe. I go to Twist, and Watermark, and home. I go to the grocery store and my mom's house. I spend a lot of my time in quiet places. And I rarely break that pattern.
I like to think of myself as a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of gal, but really? I am only spontaneous in very controlled situations. And it is difficult (anxiety wise) for me to be away from my house for more than fifteen hours without the security of (at the very least) clean underpants and a toothbrush.

Tuesday a friend of mine called and said she had tickets to see The Fray in Kansas City - with backstage passes for Wednesday. I have no job and Bean was with her dad, so in a total departure from my normal I said, "Sure!"
We were supposed to leave around 1:00 on Wednesday, watch the show and drive right back.
We got to KC on time, and talked to the gate security while we waited to meet up with Sassy and Sammy from the radio station. My friend and her husband could charm the pants off of a nun, and before we even got in to the theater the guard offered to "get us in" to the Tori Amos concert the next night.
It took us about 30 minutes to convince Julie to call in sick to work the next day and in between buying us drinks Max secured a free place to stay.

I was a little freaked out... I mean, I had no clean clothes, no medicine, no toothbrush... and no idea where we were staying or who we were staying with. Which is all enough to send me over the edge, you know, anxiety-wise. No control, no planning, no forward thinking.

We met The Fray - they were fine... they seemed a little underwhelmed at meeting us and we were a little underwhelmed with them...
And the bass player? The guy on the end? Looks a lot like Bean's dad in high school!! Weird!!


They did put on a great show, though. Their stage presence is fabulous and they are good live. Of course, all the gin I drank may have helped a little.

After the concert we hauled ass to Wal Mart for clean underpants and toothbrushes and then we went to their friend's house and collapsed.

The next day we lazed around for a little bit and then went to Ruby Tuesday's (best salad bar EVER... why the hell don't we have one here???) and then made our way back to The Starlight for Tori.

Our person at the gate was there, but there were also a lot of people around her so we hung back. While we waited we were approached by a girl who had two tickets reeeeeeeeeeally close to the stage and she was selling them at face value. Sure, we had a pretty good chance of getting in for free... sneaking in and sitting in the back... but we decided that it was better to pay for a guaranteed seat than to hope for a freebie.
This is Tori as she came onstage... that's how freaking close we were.

It was worth every cent.

So I slept pretty much all day Friday and most of the day Saturday... now it's back to my real life.
The life where I don't do crazy things and I don't drink my weight in gin.

Well... It was just a matter of time...

I'm frankly surprised it took this long...
But here it is, the Hermione hat from the new Harry Potter movie. (It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine).

What the hell did nerdy movie-loving knitters do before the internets??




Well... anyway...

I am up way way way too late... I have to be up for Grandma in a few hours and then Julie and Max and I are going to Kansas City tomorrow night to see The Fray. (Holy spur of the moment, Batman!!)
They had extra tickets and I have NOTHING going on... so off to KC I go!

I was very busy on Tuesday... I accomplished a lot of small things, like mailing back my Netflix (its been a month) and finding appropriate paper to print my study notecards and sending in my BSRB application and submitting some resumes in person.

I also had a sort of sad conversation with a member of the Girl Posse. It's been a rough couple of years for the four of us... and the hits just keep on coming. Seriously? If you don't have a posse? GET ONE. Now.

I still don't think that it is impossible to be happy and married, but then I also believe in the Loch Ness Monster. And Bigfoot. And Chupacabra (creepy little fucker).

And it's not just our little circle, marriages seem to be collapsing all over the place. Some are a surprise and some... well... not so much.

I know that friendships break up all the time too, but why is it that a long term friendship seems to be so much more likely to endure than a long term relationship?
Of course, what the hell would I know about long-term relationships??

Not Like I've Been Busy...

Still no job.
Still haven't cleaned my house.

The depression I thought would hit in mid-July, "right about the time I was getting settled into my new job" is here... just without the job. The rejection just fuels it, and my motivation is at an all-time low. I am trying to combat it with to-do lists and lots of scheduling myself out of the house. Because yesterday? I slept pretty much all day. All day.

And also? For fun? I really miss my husband. Not the asshole who was crazy and emotionally abusive, but the guy he was before that. The sweet guy who loved me. I miss that.

So if I haven't been a regular blogger lately it's just because WHINING IS BORING. Seriously.

I have read some good books...
Brooklyn by Colm Toibin
Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout
Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

I have been knitting... socks and a baby cocoon and a big, pink mistake-rib scarf.

I have seen movies...
Harry Potter (twice!!)
Cherie
My Sister's Keeper

No worries, dear readers. I'll be fine. Between the reading and the knitting and the Girl Posse I will snap out of this sooner or later.