Overlap

Sarah Vowell was in town last night... And there were so many knitters there!! I am used to running into a lot of people I know through the radio station at events like this, but when the knitting part of my life and the literary part of my life overlap with the public radio part of my life it just makes me feel like everything is good and it all makes sense. (Makes me feel like a big snob... but what's a girl to do?)

I am going to miss the public radio culture when I'm not there anymore. I mean, sure I'll still be at some of the events (probably more since it won't be a mandate - despite the fact that I will have to start paying to get in to stuff) but I will be there as a listener rather than a representative. I like being "on the inside."
It makes me feel cool.
Pathetic, but cool.

Speaking of pathetic... it's Thursday and at the Vet Center Thursday is the day that the woman who owns the vending machine changes out all of the snacks. It's pathetic that I look forward to this... but she always puts different stuff in and it's all consistently good stuff!! And 2 weeks ago she added diet A&W Root Beer, making her officially one of my favorite people (in the snacking part of my life).
I would like to own a vending machine.
I don't know where I'd put it... but how great is that? To bring mid-afternoon chocolate and/or salt to weary office-workers. Sigh.

Sally and Shelly have started working on the Clapotis... and it makes me want another one. I loved knitting it, but I never wear it. I made mine wider and longer than the pattern called for. Mostly because I am a little wider and longer than Veronik Avery. When I washed it the yarn bloomed a little bit and now this thing is freaking huge!! But it makes a quite toasty wrap and it's so soft that I feel like I have a security blanket. (So much so that I am tempted to just tie it around my neck like a superhero cape... Well what did YOU do with your security blanket during the day? Mine was a cape). So today I'm wearing it... and it's soft and smells good and that makes me happy.

There's an Ani DiFranco song called *Overlap that has been at the top of my playlist lately...for a variety of reasons. I love finding connection and overlap in the positive things in my life. It's reassuring and validating. There is absolutely a need for diversification - in interests and friends and passtimes, but sometimes (like last night) things just come together.
So today I will leave you with a line from the song:
'Cause I know there is strength in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort where we overlap.

*If you're one of those blog readers (like I am) who goes looking for this song on iTunes or something my favorite version is the bluesy, slow, live version from Living in Clip. I'm just saying.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can....

This whole midterm thing - "Here, answer these four questions that each make your brain hurt in a different area and don't forget to be all-encompassing and interesting!" - is making me a little crazy.

Yes. I am aware that if I had followed the lead of my dear friend Kristin I would have been done a week ago.
Yes. I am aware that I put it off too long and now am feeling stressed out because I procrastinated.
Yes. I am aware that I do know the answers to the questions and all I have to do is organize my thoughts and commit them to paper.

Knowing all of that doesn't mean that I am having fun with it.
And it doesn't mean that next time I'll be any better about time management...

But here's the best part of this whole thing: next time is the last time. After this round of midterm hell I only ever again have one more round and then I'm done.

I can do this.

My plan this morning was to park myself at Panera (where the snacks are and the pillows and knitting are not) and just work... But as I booted up my laptop it started beeping. Alarmingly loud. Once it stopped (and I apologized to the people around me) I tried to type. None of the keys produced the effect they were supposed to. The "W" made this: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, and the "Backspace" made this: 222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222, and the "E" made nothing.
So I blinked at it for a few minutes.
Then I called Jon. I love Jon. Turns out he was on his way to the station - which is where I was headed because it was my next best location for writing this paper...

So he opened the things that shouldn't be opened and poked around and then said it looked like someone spilled Coke on the keyboard.

I wonder who that someone could have been?
The last person to use the computer was Bean and I know that she would never spill Coke on my laptop and then not tell me about it.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

So Jon (who we have established that I love) is letting me borrow a USB keyboard.
Bean is going to be here soon and then we can go home.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

I have a feeling that some cleaning is going to get done today and I'm not doing any of it.

Saturday!

Ever have one of those mornings where you wake up sort of hungover and want to just say "fuck that job" and roll over and go back to sleep for about three weeks?
Right.
Me neither.
So, I am showered and dressed and full of caffeine and Egg McMuffin... and counting the minutes until I can leave and meet Sally for lunch and knitting at Twist and then attend a certain party that is a lot like a Tupperware party... only with adult toys instead of Tupperware. (Hey, yoga is not the only way to find inner peace and harmony. I'm just saying is all).

So, knitting! Despite the fact that I have several unfinished objects hanging around I am suddenly drawn to fair isle and want to start a bunch of new things. Including a sweater. Seriously.
BUT I WILL BE STRONG AND RESIST.
(Yes I will, you don't know!)
Because I still have Ernie to finish, and also that sweater for Grace and also my Super Secret project...
And also there is the "no money" issue. Sigh.

And school. Jeez. I have STILL not even started my mid-term. I guess that's why the last minute exists, right? So that I have time to get stuff done? My friend Kristin finished hers LAST WEEK. Because she is smart and did not wait until, you know, NOW to start.
I want school to be over.
Only seven more months. I can do anything for seven more months.

In the mean time, I am planning a few getaways...
We're going to visit my cousin in North Carolina in January and we're going to Chicago over spring break and then there's the graduation cruise in June... and a few smaller trips in there too.
All work and no play makes NapLover a dull girl. (See above).

Hope you all have a great weekend too!!

Good Mother? Bad Mother?

So here is my sweet, lovely child on her first day of school:














And here's what she looks like after our hair coloring adventure:








She thinks it's really cool... I'm still in shock. I had no idea it would be that bright!!
One of my friends pointed out that she will always remember the time her mom dyed her hair magenta... and I sort of like that.

Wonder what the kids at school think!

Marriage

I did not finish the 3-day Danica. Instead I'm going to finish it for her for Christmas. If I had not taken such a lovely nap on Saturday I might have come much, much closer... but napping was an essential part of a successful Saturday.

I worked in the morning and then had my aunt's birthday party at 4 and Andie's birthday party at 7. I got back home around 11 and fell into bed. I woke up Sunday at 8 and said, "Get back to bed, Missy, there is much more sleep to be had."
And there was.
I count on my weekend sleep to see me through the week... and while I didn't get as sick as Sally, I am certainly still fighting something. I am feeling much better (emotionally and physically) than last week, but we all know how quickly and easily that can backslide.

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately - partly because our anniversary was last week, and partly because it's fall. My mother is worried that I will take "the easy way" (her words) and let my heart wither. That I will give up on the idea that there is someone who could love me forever. Less important than that, honestly, is the idea that I will give up on the idea that I could love someone forever. That pain and disappointment are necessarily tied to loving someone and that I would be better off without the hassle.

I don't worry about that. My heart is big and full and strong.
I am not afraid to get hurt... ok, I am afraid to get hurt, but not so afraid that I let it restrict my movement.

Every time I say "I'm not getting married again," there is someone who says that I am just inviting fate to step in. But just because I don't want to get married doesn't mean that I don't want to have a solid, long-term relationship. It doesn't mean that I am afraid of commitment or fidelity or love. It just means that I have tried marriage. Twice. And neither of them went well.

I like being single... single in a monogamous relationship works for me. It means that I have balanced freedom and tether in a way that makes me happy.
And I don't have to wash anyone's underpants but my own.

Look! Knitting!

Sammy loves Ernie.









I think she thinks it's hers.













I love Ernie too... and have finished the back and sleeves.










Though I did stop for a few days in an attempt to knit a 3-day Danica for my aunt's birthday. I'm not done enough that it could be blocked before the party (today).

But I am done enough that I could finish and give it to her unblocked.
I still want to keep it for myself...

Control Freak

There is just too much stuff rattling around in my head... and not all of it is bad. I'm in that weird place where everything has found a groove and is just rolling right along - which usually means there is disaster just around the corner. I am working on enjoying the ride without making myself crazy with anticipatory angst. (That is not as easy as it sounds, by the way, and if you think it is you are totally reading the wrong girl's blog).

I talked to my therapist about the crazy-crazy from earlier in the week and he basically said, "Look, you can't control this and you wouldn't want to even if you could so just relax."
God love him.
So I said, "How do I do that?"
And he smiled that therapy smile (which we all practice in the mirror, in case you were wondering) so I said, "Listen, buddy, don't use that therapy smile on me. If I have to work so do you."
So he said, "Well, what would you tell a client in this situation."
Bastard.

I did finally get some suggestions from him, one of which I will share. Because I am good like that.

When there is a situation in which I feel anxiety because I have no control I am supposed to take a step back and make a list of the reasons why my lack of control is better than if I were in charge.

So much of my relationship with Bartleby revolved around him making everything my responsibility that I was in charge of and responsible for his every mood and feeling... and I hated him for it. I wanted him to act autonomously and get through his crap without my having to convince him to do it.
I wanted him to be a grown-up. (I know, what was I thinking?!?)
But because he wasn't, and because he didn't ever take responsibility for his own life that meant I could distance myself from him emotionally which meant I didn't have to take him seriously or have real feelings for him.

So it was emotionally convenient for me to be in control because then I could also be in control of my emotions.

And those rules no longer apply.
And he's right, I totally don't want control of anyone else but me... and I'm not sure if I even want that some days.