Some randomness...

OK. Sorry about yesterday.
So no crazy today.
(Translation: this will be a short post).

Vitamin D anyone?
This article makes a strong case for more vitamin D in my diet. I know it's not good to follow every nutritional trend that falls off the internets, but if most of your vitamin D comes from sun exposure it would make sense that I have none!!

Ernie progress...
I have finished both sleeves and the back. Yay!! Becca said this might actually be the sweater I finish and I think she might be right. If nothing else, it has made me less scared of colorwork.

Danica by Saturday?
My aunt's 60th birthday is Saturday. If I were a smart girl I would have thought of this sooner, but I'm wondering if I could start and finish a Danica scarf for her (Noro Slik Garden, yum) between now and 4pm on Saturday... including a wash and block.
I know, I said no more crazy, but barring a sprained wrist it might be possible. Maybe.
(I think a trip to Twist is in on my agenda this morning).

Did anyone else think that McCain looked constipated last night? But at least he can pronounce Nuclear.
And wasn't my boyfriend Barrack looking fine... if a little tired.
I did get a little tired of the "I don't want to answer what you asked so I'll answer what I wanted you to ask" routine that they both were playing - I get enough of that in my daily life!
If you did not see The Daily Show and/or Colbert last night make sure to catch the reruns today.

Crazy-crazy or Just Crazy?

Sooooo...

I'm really upset about something that may not be that big of a deal.
Or it might be. I'm not sure.
And it might not be a nig deal right now but it could be a big deal later.
Or not.
The only thing I am really sure about is that I am hurt and mad and frustrated and that the situation is unlikely to resolve at all, let alone in a way that is satisfying for me.
And that sucks.
Especially since this might just be a trick of time and stress and chemistry in my poor, sad, over-caffeinated brain.
But then, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, ya know?
I think that it comes down to figuring out what is more important - the actual facts or the perception of the facts?
And is it worth beating my head against a (silent, stubborn, slippery) brick wall just because my (stupid, stupid) brain can't just MOVE ON ALREADY?

There is no option of a resolution here.
I am not going to get what I came for.
So I am paranoid and suspicious and obsessive.
For nothing.

I just need to let it go.
And also maybe switch to de-caf.
Or bourbon.

A Case of the Mondays

It is difficult, after two days of eat and sleep and knit and laugh and cry and being myself to have to climb back into the "real world." To reattach my verbal filter (yes, Virginia, there is a verbal filter).

On a related note, Hey Matt? Dude, you know that was totally the residual massage high and yarn fumes talking... right? You are my favorite of the husbands and the only boy who gave me a valentine last year, but... well, sorry for anything I said that may have been inappropriate. I know it's sooooo unlike me to say anything inappropriate.

It's interesting that we all seem to be cycling down at the same time. Is it really something so simple and basic as the changing of the angle of the light? Are we really so fragile and needy that the sun can't take a season or two off?

Apparently.

On the one hand, it's nice to have a group of people against whom I can normalize myself. I can look around and know that it really isn't just me.
On the other hand, I hate that there is so much sad and unease going around and I wish there was something that could be done about it.

We will get through this. All of us.

Joyful Girl (and Jewelry!)

Apparently I am twelve years old... every time they talk about the bail-out today they say something about how they are looking at which of the bad assets to fund. And every time they say "bad asset" I have a Beavis moment: "Heh heh, she said bad ass on the radio."

Right, so about my joyfulness...
Joy is a choice. Happy is a choice. Positive thinking is a choice.
I know that sometimes it doesn't feel like it - you know that I have had my dark days (weeks, months) and there have been times when I appear only moderately functional. Joyfulness does not feel like an option during those times.
But it is.
It always is.
This week I had a couple of difficult moments... we hit the six-month point since Jeff died, and then there was the horrible Social Security office experience... and both times when I reached out for help Sally was there with encouragement and empathy and humor.
Her support made it possible to make it through the difficult stuff and come out smiling.

Am I "over it"? No. I will never be "over" the events of last two years. They have marked me in an indelible way. Changed some basic part of who I am and how I see the world.
So be it.
But if I allow these difficulties to diminish my joy there is nothing worth fighting for, nothing important enough to be worth this work.
And I know that is not true.

So that brings me to the jewelry.
I have been thinking about ordering a class ring. I wasn't interested in high school, and neither of my BA's made me want to commemorate the event... but I have worked really hard (in the middle of the ongoing shitstorm) and getting my Master's degree is really important to me. I have been looking at "traditional" class rings, but I also considered just buying a really nice ring as a "graduation present" to myself.
I have also been considering the benefits of wearing an ambiguous ring on my left hand...

Knitting!

So every time my BFFF Sally goes out of town I check in on her kitties and feed them and love on them, and every time she comes home she brings me fabulous yarn and other prizes. This time the yarn was Misti Alpaca. It is the softest yarn in the entire world and it is destined to quickly become a scarf for me.

Bean touched it last night and then I practically had to wrestle it from her.
"Knit," I told her, "knit and finish something and you can have lovely, softy yarn too!"

Sally also came to Bean's first choir concert last night. Bean's dad was supposed to go, but when he found out that her part of it wouldn't start until 7:30 he - brace yourself - decided that was too long for him to have to wait around so he didn't go.

Seriously.

So I emailed him pics today and we got into an email conversation about picking up and dropping off and weekends and stuff. She doesn't have school next Friday or the following Monday and I asked if they could take her for the long weekend. He suddenly became a Magic 8 Ball... "Unclear, ask again later."

Jackass. Assclown. Jackassclown.

I am also making great progress on the Ernie sweater for my brother. The arms are finished

and I have started on the body of it. Except for the eleventy billion ends I will have to weave in I am loving this sweater. It's great fun.

I love that it's Friday... I have book club tonight and then tomorrow is work, lunch, massage, knitting, knitting, knitting, knitting, knitting, movie, bed.
Saturdays are my favorite.

Distraction (redux)

I sat in the Social Security office for an hour and a half today.
The black and white details of the last four years of my life spread out end to end.
It is clear from the series of facts and numbers that I am a fool. That every emotional detail is meaningless and led me in the way wrong direction.

More pretty pictures for distracion:

Distraction...

So yesterday marks 6 months since Jeff died. I'm fine. Bean is fine. Everything is fine.

Um... let's look at pretty pictures.
These are all pictures from our fabulous weekend. I think That Bad, Bad Man took most of these.