Fall into Autumn Exchange

Week #4
Are there any recipes you especially enjoy having in the Fall? Any foods that are seasonal that you especially enjoy?

I love Crock Pot cooking - coming home out of the cool air and smelling wonderful warm food in the kitchen! I have a few favorites... but here's what is in my crock pot right now:

Chicken breasts
Enchilada sauce
Corn (drained)
Black beans (drained)
Cook on low at least 8 hours. Shred chicken, stir and serve on tortillas with cheddar cheese and sour cream.
The chicken is also good on salad with light ranch dressing.

On the eve of Kerri's wedding...

I am wondering if my divorce talk was too hasty.
I asked him last night what he would have said if I told him that I was just tired of being married to him. That it was too hard and I didn't want to do it anymore. He said he would have said he was disappointed in me. I realized that I was disappointed in him, too and that there wasn't any getting around the fact that we have completely let each other down.
In this "taking care of the husband" year I have stopped thinking about him in spousal ways and started (somewhat necessarily) thinking of him as a client. This clinical distance has made me pull away from him and his own distance has made me feel abandoned.
As he is pulling out of this depression (and I am sinking into my own) we are trying to re-learn our relationship and rediscover what it was that brought us together in the first place. I have very little hope and very little faith that anything will (can?) change and there is a part of me that believes we will hit the divorce courts, just a bit later than I had originally thought. I told him this and I told him that I was willing to place what little hope and what little faith I have in him and in us... but that he was in charge of this.
Basically he has to date his wife. He has to stop apologizing and show me that things can be different and that we can succeed.
We'll see... but I feel better about this change in direction than I have felt about anything else that has happened in our relationship over the last few months.

And yes, I did finish the garter. Pictures this weekend, and more knitting content, I promise!

Look! Knitting Content!!

I got my Sockapalooza package!!! Woo Hoo!!

She sent these fabulous socks in a clear project bag (love it) and included a really great needle roll and a set of sock-shaped point protectors. Thanks so much Maureen! The socks were completed in the midst of an intercontinental move, a new job and beginning grad school. Hang in there, girl!



As you can see, they fit beautifully and the colors are absolutely perfect. Blues and greens and

purples with a little pink for fun and they are sooooo soft.








Speaking of socks, I am making good Monkey progress... though I have a measurement issue that I noticed on my last pair of socks. The

person I am knitting for has feet that just happen to be an inch and a half longer than my feet, which means if I try on the socks and they cover my toes it's time to start the decreases.

By the measuring tape they are nowhere near done, but by the foot check they're close. I want
them to fit without being baggy. And yes, the socks do stretch... so duh, right? I'm just worried that they won't be right. But they are pretty. I am going to have to knit myself a pair just like them!


And look!! A FO!!

This is the Garterlac Dishcloth. It was a really quick knit and if you're interested in learning entrelac it's a great way to start. It's small and made of inexpensive yarn. And it's garter stitch so you don't even have to purl. Brilliant!

Somehow last night I managed to do most of my homework for Saturday, knit my Monkey Socks almost to the toe decreases, block Kerri's garter and remember my camera so that I could post pictures. It almost sounds like I'm getting my shit together!

...And why am I in this handbasket??

I should just stick to blogging about knitting. That's not so hard, right?!? Just keep the stupid blog focused on KNITTING. I even have a FO to show off... but I did not bring my camera with me so you're stuck with the ongoing saga of my terminal marriage.

I will try not to be too dramatic.

Last night my husband asked me if I was going to go after his parents' money if we got divorced. Whatever. Even if they were both gone and the money was actually HIS I wouldn't want any part of it. Money is not my goal.

He was angry last night again... and he kept bouncing back and forth between accusing me of not taking our vows seriously and telling me I was giving him ultimatums and then trying to be tender and make compromises. It was quite a performance. He reminded me of a ten-year-old who is unhappy with the fact that his mother is punishing him and tries alternately to force her and then cajole her to comfort him. I don't want to be his mother-figure and I certainly am not in any kind of mood to comfort him.

I wonder if it's too late. I wonder if I could even muster the energy to deal with him if he does consent to counseling. I wonder if I am really just done and hoping that he will refuse the conditions so that I can walk away without being the bad guy.

I just don't believe him anymore. I don't think that he is lying to me... I think that he is lying to himself. I think he honestly believes all of the crap he says.

Wow. That sure sounds like I'm done, doesn't it?

We belong in the "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" column. I never believed those. I was always convinced that the couple would be much better off if they divorced. Like the ones where the men were sleeping around and the women had completely lost interest in sex, or the ones where the wife was angry all the time and the husband was spending all of his time playing golf... I always thought those people would be better off with a fresh start. Maybe I should have thought of that before I got married again, huh? Maybe I'm just not the "marrying kind."

Fall Into Autumn Exchange

Topic #3:
Autumn has now officially begun here in the States!! What is your favorite thing about Autumn/Fall? Why?

I love the cooler weather and the crisp smells. I like the fact that things seem to slow down - cooking especially. Instead of a quick salad and pasta it's all about the all-day stew or chili. I love Halloween because it involves copious amounts of chocolate. It's odd, because I suffer from seasonal affective disorder so I should hate autumn because it signals the beginning of the "down" season, but really, fall and spring are my favorites. I like the transitional nature of it. I like sweaters and capri pants with sandals. I like not running the air conditioner and being comfortable outside. I love (love, LOVE) going back to school.

Knitting, Nakedness, and D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Dear Blue Moon,
Knock it off already!! The Raven series comes out in November but already there are beautiful, new colors available. I don't have a whole lot of extra cash laying around and I might just have to say something like, "Bean I know you're hungry, but feel how soft this is! And look at the lovely colors!"
I hope that in the future you will save new colors for times when I have stacks of cash available. Or perhaps I should just split my direct deposit between you and Twist.

Sigh.

In other knitting news:
I finished the knitting part of Kerri's garter. It doesn't look like much yet because I need to block it... that's on the agenda for tomorrow. Then I need to figure out what bias tape is and how to install it and then I need to put elastic and ribbon on it. Surely that all can be accomplished by Friday, right?!?
My monkey socks are moving right along. I'm on the foot part of the first one and I'm at the point where I don't have to look at the pattern every row to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Which is nice.
The Clapotis has stalled - mostly because I haven't wound the third skein of yarn into a ball - and I've had more pressing projects.

The slumber party was a blast - I am totally exhausted. The girls swam their little butts off - and at one point (very late, after the rest of the grownups had gone to bed) asked if they could skinny dip. I said that as long as only the people who were comfortable doing it did it then that was ok. I turned the inside and outside lights out and let them swim. I don't know who did and who didn't and after about ten minutes I told them to put their suits back on.

When I told the husband about it he freaked out. He was convinced that the parents would be furious. He said it was the stupidest thing I had ever done (totally not true. I have done WAY more stupid things). None of the parents seemed overly concerned - there were a few surprised faces when I told them all what happened, but all in all nobody seemed to think I was some kind of crazed monster.

Speaking of the husband... I think that my marriage is over. I tried to kick him out last Wednesday and he refused to leave. (What the hell are you supposed to do when you say, "Please leave" and they say, "No." I was sort of speechless). We talked a lot on Wednesday night and basically it comes down to three requests. If he wants to save this marriage he needs to:
1) Stop drinking
2) Get a job
3) Go to couples counseling

He is thinking about it. Seriously. He's got until the end of the week to "think" about it before I take real action. I just want this to be done. You know how once you make a difficult decision you want it to be finished as soon as possible? That's where I am.

I just don't think he gets it. I think he is totally in denial. It's like he thinks that these three demands will just fade away and we can go back to the way things have been. Nope.

I talked to Bean about it and she's sad but she gets it. She has seen how things have been over the past year and she said that sometimes she thought that things were better when it was just the two of us. I agreed. I told her that there was still a possibility that we could work something out, but that we would be ok no matter what. The scary thing is that neither of us are crying about this. This decision has been so long in coming that there really isn't much to cry about anymore.

It's like when someone you love dies after a long illness: when they finally do go sometimes there is a sense of relief mixed in with everything else.

We're in this weird, polite place. He's being overly nice and trying really hard to show me in little (meaningless) ways that he loves me. Here's the thing - I love him. I do. But the only thing he can do to fix this is counseling, stop drinking and get a job. All of the little gestures in the world won't make a difference if those three things don't happen.

Some humor has come out of this though... I was chatting with a friend and we were trying to decide what my new last name should be. In the running are: Pitt, Jolie-Pitt, Depp, Noro, and The Queen.

Oh, and I am keeping the house.

Happy Birthday Bean!

Eleven years ago today I became a mother.
Holy crap, am I that old?!? Apparently.

She was born with her father's cowlicks, my lips, his eyebrows, my hands and her own sense of independence and style.
She has always been patient and quiet and sweet and funny. She has always been able to amuse herself. She has always been beautiful and smart. She has always been quick to make friends.

The last year or so has been tough on my little Bean and she has come through it more gracefully than I ever could have hoped.

Tonight we're having pancakes for dinner and then tomorrow night is the big sleep-over. We're having it at grandma's house because there is a swimming pool and more room. There will be pizza and cake and swimming and giggling.